Bless me dear readers, for while I try to be a good person, sometimes I fail. I am only human (I mistakenly typed normal here and quickly deleted-we all know normal I am not). I am trying to fix the error of my ways but, frankly, that’s not an easy task. I am a disaster. I am a crazed, cooped up, mess of an individual sick-and-fucking-tired of being trapped in the M-F-ING house, watching the weather, and praying to the gods that it won’t bleeping snow again. Sons of Bitches! I’m on the brink! I’ve gone loopy and I have some confessions. I need to cleanse.
1. Sometimes Michael Buble comes on the radio and I don’t turn it off. I actually rock out like the millions of middle-aged women who keep people like him making music. I have not turned to Clay Aiken yet. Please shoot me if I do. Also, because I feel the need to clarify, nothing about Michael Buble gets my panties in a wad. You needed to know this.
2. I dislike Rachael Ray! I don’t like your magazine. I hate the word yummy! Nothing is Yum-O! Fuck-O! I don’t care about your husband’s band and there are only so many ways you can cook a freaking hamburger. I am glad you’re making shit-loads of cash. Somebody is buying into your EVOO and Garbage Bowl. That someone is not me. Suck it. Stop sending me mail. I DON’T WANT YOUR MAGAZINE.
3. I think it is okay to swear. They are only words. I try not to take God’s name in vain. I try. Religious deviant that I am. But, as for the rest? Fuckshitdamnasshole.
4. Fashion confuses me. I try. I think I do okay. I like plaid, large purses that don’t really resemble mom bags, boots, Converse sneakers, tank tops, simple jewelry, flip flops and Yoga pants. I don’t want to own a pair of $900 shoes that appear to be made of human hair. I put back the $25 Kitchen Aid Immersion Blender on Saturday. I am frugal. It was half-price and I still did not get it. Someone like me would never own shoes like that. I mean, but really, who would? Who buys these things?
5. I am obsessed with anti-aging products. I am so vain. I have an entire ritual. Different products for different purposes during different times of day! No Retinol products without sunscreen! You will scald your flesh! Take these things seriously! I’m trying to look like I’m twelve.
6. I mostly resist allowing my child to listen to actual children’s music. I am a selfish asshole. Most children’s music makes me want to cut myself. If she never hears it, she won’t know what she’s missing. I will shelter her! I dare you to show her the ways of Raffi. I will cut you. I will find out where you live. Michael Buble counts as “quality” music for the record. What sort of rotten music taste do you have?
7. Bread is rubbing my shoulders and reading this over them. I hope he never stops. It’s definitely keeping my creative juices flowing.
8. I am irritated by retail establishments and their need to support charitable organizations by asking me to give. These days, it seems as though every place I shop is asking me if I want to donate a dollar to this cause or that. I’m not heartless. I came in for loungewear. I can’t keep giving these dollars! They add up. I have causes I support! How do I know the dollar even goes there? Where is my receipt? Is it tax-deductible? I care about the children! I am concerned for the animals! The homeless need shelter! I just want to shop for my elastic-waist pants without the pressure of knowing how many mouths my dollar will feed! I can’t take the pressure! I feel guilty and then I do things like put the blender I’ve been coveting back.
9. I fear I may be taking my plaid obsession a wee bit too far. Is there such a thing as too much plaid? I already bought a plaid dress for summer!
10. I went back and got the blender.
11. I feel a sudden need to make soup. I need to make lots of soup requiring the use of my new immersion blender.
12. I am glad my husband isn’t cheap.
13. I am going to post this and, perhaps, take a nap. My job may not be glamorous but, it is flexible. My child is napping. My doctor told me when she was born I should sleep when the baby sleeps. I am 100 percent certain the same rule can be applied to sleeping when the toddler sleeps. I know it.
14. I needed one more thing because I don’t like odd numbers. I had to end on an even note.
15. I may have OCD.
16. I might! Shit!
