Lately I’ve been thinking about finding a part-time job for various assorted reasons. Mainly because it’s difficult to live on one income, still have money left over for fun things and still save or get ahead on bills. I do work from home for my old job but it’s seasonal. Another reason I think I could use a job? My sanity! What sanity, you ask? Exactly! It might be too late!
I have thought of some things I could do. It’s difficult. I could look for a career-type job, but, I didn’t love my career before and I love being home with Bird. And, for us, it did not make sense by the time we paid for daycare and all the other nonsense that went along with having an actual career. And, then there’s the huge part of me being even crazier than I am now…
I want a job I can leave at the door. I just want something to do. I want to make a little extra cash and maybe, just maybe SPEAK TO SOME PEOPLE ON A DAILY BASIS. I was thinking maybe I could get a seasonal job at say, Target or Costco. I love those places! They should hire me! I am a good employee! It’s still difficult because Bread doesn’t get home from work until 6 or later. We’d have to orchestrate a meeting place since probably most later shifts start before six.
I know bars are open late and a great place to talk to people but I don’t see myself working until two am or later, coming home and getting up at six or seven with the tot. No! I will be cranky.
I had a thought! I could baby sit! Wait? But how will this help my crazy? Isn’t this going to perpetuate it? I’m crazy because I stay home trying to entertain my child and now I want to add another child or two into the mix? Yes! I do! I think this would be okay! I will post an add on Craigslist:
Crazy stay-at-home mother of one darling three-year-old girl will watch your child in my smoke-free and, mostly, pet-hair free home (thanks to my need for a clean house and constant need/compulsion to Swiffer). I am college educated and, by some miracle, my child is seemingly intelligent. We have fun! Background check is welcome but I have to tell you about that one thing I did in high school that is probably going to come up when you search for me as it did at my career…I’m really excellent at making fun of myself and even better at making fun of others. I’ll teach your child so many things! Call me!
Yes! Yes! This could work! I really think it could! It will give Bird a playmate until we decide if we want to make another child or not. It will also give said prospective child time to brew and actually grow into a playmate for Bird…There’s that.
All in the matter of this here post I’ve figured out my “situation.” I mean, you’d hire me to watch your kid, right? I’m witty! I’m only slight crazy! Call me! We’ll talk! While this does not exactly solve my inability to speak to adults, it may help in my financial situation. Therefore, I could pay someone to come over and talk to me each day! I am a genius!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Fashionable Friday
In correlation with Operation War on Yoga Pants, I’ve invested in some new fall fashions. In order to purchase said fashions, I had to do an extensive amount of research. I wanted to know what would work with my body type (roundish currently, and no, I never miss a chance to rip on myself) and for my “career.” I also wanted a few items to wear when Bread and I go out.
So, in honor of fall having arrived, with 85 degrees nonetheless, I’m sharing my list of possible-haves with y’all. Thankfully, I am a magazine junkie so I didn’t have to go far for my research. I used O Magazine because Oprah, of course, has an awesome stylist who actually puts together outfits for real people. That is, if you’re a real person who can afford $500 heels or, at least, has the sense to know that Payless makes a great knock-off. Anyway, slight tangent there, I also used Marie Claire, Real Simple, Self and Shape magazines. Here is my list:
1). Animal print. Specifically leopard. I am stalking a purse at Target, waiting for it to go on sale because I go there every week and I refuse to pay full-price for anything.
2). Loafers. I have some in purple but I want some more in brown. The mom in me thinks this is fabulous because they are so practical and so cute. I refuse to wear them with mom jeans, however.
3). Skinny pants. I got some! It turns out you don’t have to actually be skinny for skinny pants. Who knew! I keep reading about skinny cargo pants. Now, IDK about that but I’ll definitely try them on. I listen to Tim Gunn. I know that you should not rule things out until you try them. Do not be narrow-minded when it comes to fashion!
4). Red. Apparently, red is the it color for fall. My resources told me to pair it with teal, purple (no can do-reminds me of the Red Hat Society) and khaki (no longer can do this either as my dear friend, Claire pointed out it’s what Target employees wear-I can't have people bothering me while I peruse).
5). Sweaters with belts. I am trying. I bought a few belts that would work with this but, I’m thinking, perhaps, this does not work with my body type. I’ll keep trying.
6). Booties. I love them. I bought some super-cute grey ones. I’ve worn them once. I wish I had somewhere great to go so I could wear them with a dress or pencil skirt and tights. Sigh.
7). Peacoat. I found a plaid one I am stalking. I want that.
8). Structured satchel. I need one. I’m looking. I have a few prospects. It has to be sort of large so I can use it every day to carry my basic necessities and my child’s.
9). Draped Jersey dress. I love these; however, I really don’t need one. And, I feel like I’d need an entire Spanx suit to go underneath. I can’t justify the expenditure.
10). Feminine tops. I also love this fad. I already own several and love to wear them as it gets cooler with cardigans. I bought a new one in leopard! Combining trends! I go!
11). Fitted blazer. I have some but, even casually, I don’t see myself in this every day.
12). Camel. I love this color. I need some more of it in my life.
13). Black and tan. This has always been one of my favorite color combinations. I guess its back. Did it ever go away? It's also a tasty beverage.
14). Military inspired. I have a casual jacket that embraces this trend.
15). Lace. I like this on other people but not on me. I think it looks trashy because I’m busty. Just saying.
That’s all I have. Hopefully, I’ve compiled a good list and picked out the right trends for me. Now I have to figure out hair and makeup. I don’t think there’s enough time in the day for that…Happy Friday!
So, in honor of fall having arrived, with 85 degrees nonetheless, I’m sharing my list of possible-haves with y’all. Thankfully, I am a magazine junkie so I didn’t have to go far for my research. I used O Magazine because Oprah, of course, has an awesome stylist who actually puts together outfits for real people. That is, if you’re a real person who can afford $500 heels or, at least, has the sense to know that Payless makes a great knock-off. Anyway, slight tangent there, I also used Marie Claire, Real Simple, Self and Shape magazines. Here is my list:
1). Animal print. Specifically leopard. I am stalking a purse at Target, waiting for it to go on sale because I go there every week and I refuse to pay full-price for anything.
2). Loafers. I have some in purple but I want some more in brown. The mom in me thinks this is fabulous because they are so practical and so cute. I refuse to wear them with mom jeans, however.
3). Skinny pants. I got some! It turns out you don’t have to actually be skinny for skinny pants. Who knew! I keep reading about skinny cargo pants. Now, IDK about that but I’ll definitely try them on. I listen to Tim Gunn. I know that you should not rule things out until you try them. Do not be narrow-minded when it comes to fashion!
4). Red. Apparently, red is the it color for fall. My resources told me to pair it with teal, purple (no can do-reminds me of the Red Hat Society) and khaki (no longer can do this either as my dear friend, Claire pointed out it’s what Target employees wear-I can't have people bothering me while I peruse).
5). Sweaters with belts. I am trying. I bought a few belts that would work with this but, I’m thinking, perhaps, this does not work with my body type. I’ll keep trying.
6). Booties. I love them. I bought some super-cute grey ones. I’ve worn them once. I wish I had somewhere great to go so I could wear them with a dress or pencil skirt and tights. Sigh.
7). Peacoat. I found a plaid one I am stalking. I want that.
8). Structured satchel. I need one. I’m looking. I have a few prospects. It has to be sort of large so I can use it every day to carry my basic necessities and my child’s.
9). Draped Jersey dress. I love these; however, I really don’t need one. And, I feel like I’d need an entire Spanx suit to go underneath. I can’t justify the expenditure.
10). Feminine tops. I also love this fad. I already own several and love to wear them as it gets cooler with cardigans. I bought a new one in leopard! Combining trends! I go!
11). Fitted blazer. I have some but, even casually, I don’t see myself in this every day.
12). Camel. I love this color. I need some more of it in my life.
13). Black and tan. This has always been one of my favorite color combinations. I guess its back. Did it ever go away? It's also a tasty beverage.
14). Military inspired. I have a casual jacket that embraces this trend.
15). Lace. I like this on other people but not on me. I think it looks trashy because I’m busty. Just saying.
That’s all I have. Hopefully, I’ve compiled a good list and picked out the right trends for me. Now I have to figure out hair and makeup. I don’t think there’s enough time in the day for that…Happy Friday!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sale of the Century
This past weekend “we” decided to have a garage sale. We have tons of junk. We have an old house with almost zero storage space. Therefore, our basement has become our giant closet; it’s a mess. And, since we are not moving out of here anytime soon (our plan was five years), due to the fact that our home is worth a fraction of what we paid for it, we have to make do. I say purge, purge, purge, thus, the sale.
Bread likes to keep things. He is very disorganized. I have to constantly remind him (nag) to throw things out. He keeps piles of junk everywhere-the kitchen counter, his dresser, in drawers and in his pockets. I’ve actually found boxes in the basement from when we moved out of our apartment, over five years ago, full of receipts and such from his dresser. I’ve since put the kibosh on that. I force him to clean it. But, in case you can’t tell, it’s a major source of contention for us. Clutter at home equals clutter in my brain and we all know I don’t need any more of that. Ohhellno.
So, after some coercing (translation: idle threats), I convinced him to have a garage sale. I was finally going to get rid of the last of my pre-Bird clothing. If I ever have a job again, these clothes are already out of style, not to mention they don’t fit so well. So, that was my major contribution to the sale, along with various other junk (er, treasures), such as books and gifts we never used from our wedding (sorry if you’re reading and are a person who dared stray from the registry-ungrateful bastards that we are).
Bead was holding out. I posted our sale on Craigslist and someone emailed asking if we happened to have a Nintendo. I told Bread, as sort of an oh-too-bad and he says, “Well, actually we do.” WTF? I’m getting rid of my crap. Where is this Nintendo? So, just like that, we have a Nintendo and add $30 to our profits.
The day of the sale, Saturday, started out pouring. We didn’t know what to do and consulted several weather sources, who all had different forecasts, of course. It stopped raining and cleared up so we hauled our crap out. Now, let me tell you, having a garage sale is much like airing all your dirty laundry for your neighbors to examine. The neighbors were flocking to the sale. I could see their wheels turning. Where in the hell do these people keep all this crap! That’s what they were thinking, I can guarantee it. Also, having a sale is, apparently, a great way to actually meet your neighbors and to get the gossip on everyone. Who knew?
The first person to stop by was some alternative-type dude who, it turns out, has given up his car, only to ride a bicycle. He was looking for records. As I open my mouth to say, no we don’t have any, Bread pipes up with, yes, I do. Again, WTF? He heads to his secret cavern of all things in demand at a garage sale and returns with a giant stack of records. This time I am smart! I watch where he goes! To the garage! He is hoarding things in his garage! In the attic of the garage, nonetheless, where he knows I won’t go! I don’t like bugs or the rickety ladder you have to climb to get to said garage attic! Score one for Bread!
Alternative-type dude bought several records, complimented us on our fab taste in music (we also had lots of CDs) and went on his way. He was one of the less-exciting shoppers of our two-day sale. Let me tell you, a garage sale brings out all the crazies. One lady resembled Little Richard, complete with moustache. She wanted to buy a purse, asked how much and when told a couple dollars, promptly stomped off. Sorry. We could have made a deal. I’d have taken $1. Shit. There was a guy with an extra large belly in a size small sweatshirt, a guy who checked out my mom (disturbing), a neighbor who refused to pay $1 for a book, actually became offended, and, a kid who wanted to buy an abused dollhouse to paint black for his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Lair.
My favorite crazy, was another moustache-sporting woman. She was wearing a rather ratty sweatshirt; she had jet black hair, but her ‘stache was blond, and black leggings with a large rip in the back, exposing her white underwear. Now, I’m not judging her outfit, aside from the rip. Maybe she was cleaning and just happened to run out of supplies? She happened by our sale and stopped in. I’m totally not judging. BUT, wear a shirt to cover the rip! Nobody wants to see that shit. She looked at the clothes I was selling. I was thinking, yes, yes, buy some! Nope. Alas, she decided on a CD! She could have gotten pants for the same price! I wanted to tell her! I should have said, “Oh my, you’re in luck! We’re having a sale! Buy one CD; get a pair of pants for free!”
We also sold some of Bird’s toys. I know. We’re horrible parents. But, the number of toys she has far outnumbers anything else in this house. Some of the toys were garage sale finds, some she’s outgrown/sucked to begin with. We prepared her for this as much as you can prepare an almost three year-old for such a traumatic experience. We really wanted to sell her play kitchen, for as you know, I’ve bought her a new one for her birthday. We discussed this with her. She was okay with it. That is, until it actually happened. She was napping when the sale occurred. We packed up and, later in the house, the first thing she wanted to do with Grandma, who was helping with the sale and staying to babysit so we could go out, was “ play kitchen.” Poor Bird, ran to her play food and pots, gathered up a few things and turned to use her stove, only to discover the stove was gone! Where is my kitchen she asked? We explained again that we had to get rid of some of her toys in order to make room for the new ones coming in a few weeks for her birthday. She had a look of devastation, ran to the couch and buried her face in the cushions. I caved. At that moment, I totally gave in. We have to give her the kitchen now, I proclaimed, but Bread was dead-set against it. We let it pass.
Another day of her being devastated by the loss of her favorite toy passes. Again, there is more playing with pots, pans and play food sans the kitchen. She inquires several times as to where her kitchen has gone and whether or not we’re going to sell more of her toys when she’s asleep. Crap. We have scarred her for life. Finally, Bread caves. It’s nearly 8:30 on Sunday night, bedtime. And, he decides we must give her the kitchen now. Sucker! I knew it! This was supposed to be her great birthday surprise! We did it. We gave it to her! She was ecstatic! She also asked, before bed, if we were going to sell it while she was asleep. She also asked if we were going to sell the couch! I guess both of these items are precious to her. I feel her on the couch! What would we do without our couch? We have officially messed up our child! She’ll probably be talking about this in therapy 20 years from now! Great! Parents of the Year! I guess we need to find a birthday gift for our three year-old…
Bread likes to keep things. He is very disorganized. I have to constantly remind him (nag) to throw things out. He keeps piles of junk everywhere-the kitchen counter, his dresser, in drawers and in his pockets. I’ve actually found boxes in the basement from when we moved out of our apartment, over five years ago, full of receipts and such from his dresser. I’ve since put the kibosh on that. I force him to clean it. But, in case you can’t tell, it’s a major source of contention for us. Clutter at home equals clutter in my brain and we all know I don’t need any more of that. Ohhellno.
So, after some coercing (translation: idle threats), I convinced him to have a garage sale. I was finally going to get rid of the last of my pre-Bird clothing. If I ever have a job again, these clothes are already out of style, not to mention they don’t fit so well. So, that was my major contribution to the sale, along with various other junk (er, treasures), such as books and gifts we never used from our wedding (sorry if you’re reading and are a person who dared stray from the registry-ungrateful bastards that we are).
Bead was holding out. I posted our sale on Craigslist and someone emailed asking if we happened to have a Nintendo. I told Bread, as sort of an oh-too-bad and he says, “Well, actually we do.” WTF? I’m getting rid of my crap. Where is this Nintendo? So, just like that, we have a Nintendo and add $30 to our profits.
The day of the sale, Saturday, started out pouring. We didn’t know what to do and consulted several weather sources, who all had different forecasts, of course. It stopped raining and cleared up so we hauled our crap out. Now, let me tell you, having a garage sale is much like airing all your dirty laundry for your neighbors to examine. The neighbors were flocking to the sale. I could see their wheels turning. Where in the hell do these people keep all this crap! That’s what they were thinking, I can guarantee it. Also, having a sale is, apparently, a great way to actually meet your neighbors and to get the gossip on everyone. Who knew?
The first person to stop by was some alternative-type dude who, it turns out, has given up his car, only to ride a bicycle. He was looking for records. As I open my mouth to say, no we don’t have any, Bread pipes up with, yes, I do. Again, WTF? He heads to his secret cavern of all things in demand at a garage sale and returns with a giant stack of records. This time I am smart! I watch where he goes! To the garage! He is hoarding things in his garage! In the attic of the garage, nonetheless, where he knows I won’t go! I don’t like bugs or the rickety ladder you have to climb to get to said garage attic! Score one for Bread!
Alternative-type dude bought several records, complimented us on our fab taste in music (we also had lots of CDs) and went on his way. He was one of the less-exciting shoppers of our two-day sale. Let me tell you, a garage sale brings out all the crazies. One lady resembled Little Richard, complete with moustache. She wanted to buy a purse, asked how much and when told a couple dollars, promptly stomped off. Sorry. We could have made a deal. I’d have taken $1. Shit. There was a guy with an extra large belly in a size small sweatshirt, a guy who checked out my mom (disturbing), a neighbor who refused to pay $1 for a book, actually became offended, and, a kid who wanted to buy an abused dollhouse to paint black for his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Lair.
My favorite crazy, was another moustache-sporting woman. She was wearing a rather ratty sweatshirt; she had jet black hair, but her ‘stache was blond, and black leggings with a large rip in the back, exposing her white underwear. Now, I’m not judging her outfit, aside from the rip. Maybe she was cleaning and just happened to run out of supplies? She happened by our sale and stopped in. I’m totally not judging. BUT, wear a shirt to cover the rip! Nobody wants to see that shit. She looked at the clothes I was selling. I was thinking, yes, yes, buy some! Nope. Alas, she decided on a CD! She could have gotten pants for the same price! I wanted to tell her! I should have said, “Oh my, you’re in luck! We’re having a sale! Buy one CD; get a pair of pants for free!”
We also sold some of Bird’s toys. I know. We’re horrible parents. But, the number of toys she has far outnumbers anything else in this house. Some of the toys were garage sale finds, some she’s outgrown/sucked to begin with. We prepared her for this as much as you can prepare an almost three year-old for such a traumatic experience. We really wanted to sell her play kitchen, for as you know, I’ve bought her a new one for her birthday. We discussed this with her. She was okay with it. That is, until it actually happened. She was napping when the sale occurred. We packed up and, later in the house, the first thing she wanted to do with Grandma, who was helping with the sale and staying to babysit so we could go out, was “ play kitchen.” Poor Bird, ran to her play food and pots, gathered up a few things and turned to use her stove, only to discover the stove was gone! Where is my kitchen she asked? We explained again that we had to get rid of some of her toys in order to make room for the new ones coming in a few weeks for her birthday. She had a look of devastation, ran to the couch and buried her face in the cushions. I caved. At that moment, I totally gave in. We have to give her the kitchen now, I proclaimed, but Bread was dead-set against it. We let it pass.
Another day of her being devastated by the loss of her favorite toy passes. Again, there is more playing with pots, pans and play food sans the kitchen. She inquires several times as to where her kitchen has gone and whether or not we’re going to sell more of her toys when she’s asleep. Crap. We have scarred her for life. Finally, Bread caves. It’s nearly 8:30 on Sunday night, bedtime. And, he decides we must give her the kitchen now. Sucker! I knew it! This was supposed to be her great birthday surprise! We did it. We gave it to her! She was ecstatic! She also asked, before bed, if we were going to sell it while she was asleep. She also asked if we were going to sell the couch! I guess both of these items are precious to her. I feel her on the couch! What would we do without our couch? We have officially messed up our child! She’ll probably be talking about this in therapy 20 years from now! Great! Parents of the Year! I guess we need to find a birthday gift for our three year-old…
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sherlock Effing Holmes
I have found myself wondering, on many occasions, what moms did before internet. How did they get child-rearing advice, fashion tips and find the lowest price on diapers? Did they actually have to read maps to get to where they were going? Did they use cookbooks for their recipe needs? How on earth were they able to keep up on to-the-minute celebrity gossip? Where, besides pesky class reunions, did they get the dirt on their former classmates? The world must have been a scary place sans the World Wide Web. Thank you, Al Gore. Right.
So, thanks to the internet (Facebook) and my super detective skills, I now know that one of my ex-boyfriends is divorced with two kids and dating some chick named Helga. The other one is divorced, dating some chick that looks to be about 50 and is missing some teeth. Yikes. I feel so superior. Why is it, despite the fact these two are exes for a reason, it still matters that I made out better than them. I’m happy! My husband is quite good-looking, I will say so myself. He looks young too! My friend Jackie’s mom thought he was only 20! I would be such a cradle robber! Awesome! And, best of all, today when I told him I was watching Teen Mom during naptime, he didn’t care. He didn’t say anything like, “Bitch, my dinner better be on the table and you better clean the house.” He just said, “Cool. I miss you.” He loves me! Anyway, thank you internet for allowing me the capabilities to feel like a psycho stalker. Actually, I don’t really feel like that because my friends do it too. This makes it okay. There is safety in numbers, people.
One of my other favorite internet places is Craigslist. It’s a freaking 24 hour garage sale! One where you can look only for those things you want and don’t have to sift through other people’s junk. Bird’s birthday is coming and I want one of those cool retro kitchens for her. I love them! They are so much cooler than the plastic ones! I refuse to pay $400 of that shit, though. Enter Craigslist. I will let some other dumb fool pay that much for a kitchen, discover that their child does not like it and then they can sell it to me for less than half the price. Plus, Bird is young, she doesn’t know what used is. I’m saving money for when she wants designer clothes and all that fancy shit.
Anyway, I was searching and searching and emailing folks and getting no results. Then, in one week, I scored two! I was beside myself with excitement. Which one would be better? I finally declared number two the winner. The plan was to sell back the first one after Bread picked up number two. Of course I had Bread get it. I am not brave enough to go alone! I read the news! People will prey on you via Craigslist!
Being the paranoid soul that I am, I searched for the seller of kitchen number two on Facebook! I am so smart! Well, some chick, with the same name, living in the same city as the seller of my precious kitchen, had an open Facebook account. This means, I was able to deduce that, while she may not be a killer, her child did, in fact, have MRSA! No! Hell no! I do not want that shit up in here! We don’t want that! Keep that! There are not enough Lysol Wipes on earth for that! Or, do I? I mean, it’s a nice kitchen! It’s a steal! No! No! Germs! What are you thinking? Bread could wear a Hazmat suit and then we could pour bleach on it! Yes! It’s a deal! No! No! No! You’re crazy! You have a hard enough time with the dog hair in your home let alone knowingly bringing in an infectious disease! Crazy! That’s basically how my internal dialogue went.
I took a poll of friends and family (yes, I suppose I have that much time on my hands). And, no, it was a bad idea, I should not get that kitchen. So, thank you internet for providing me with a wealth of knowledge and allowing me to stalk a random stranger in order to decide I don’t want to buy their shit. Or, I want to buy their shit; I just don’t want their highly-frightening super-bug! This is the perfect example of evil being put to good use (laughs manically). It’s the age of technology, my friends. You better watch yourself!
So, thanks to the internet (Facebook) and my super detective skills, I now know that one of my ex-boyfriends is divorced with two kids and dating some chick named Helga. The other one is divorced, dating some chick that looks to be about 50 and is missing some teeth. Yikes. I feel so superior. Why is it, despite the fact these two are exes for a reason, it still matters that I made out better than them. I’m happy! My husband is quite good-looking, I will say so myself. He looks young too! My friend Jackie’s mom thought he was only 20! I would be such a cradle robber! Awesome! And, best of all, today when I told him I was watching Teen Mom during naptime, he didn’t care. He didn’t say anything like, “Bitch, my dinner better be on the table and you better clean the house.” He just said, “Cool. I miss you.” He loves me! Anyway, thank you internet for allowing me the capabilities to feel like a psycho stalker. Actually, I don’t really feel like that because my friends do it too. This makes it okay. There is safety in numbers, people.
One of my other favorite internet places is Craigslist. It’s a freaking 24 hour garage sale! One where you can look only for those things you want and don’t have to sift through other people’s junk. Bird’s birthday is coming and I want one of those cool retro kitchens for her. I love them! They are so much cooler than the plastic ones! I refuse to pay $400 of that shit, though. Enter Craigslist. I will let some other dumb fool pay that much for a kitchen, discover that their child does not like it and then they can sell it to me for less than half the price. Plus, Bird is young, she doesn’t know what used is. I’m saving money for when she wants designer clothes and all that fancy shit.
Anyway, I was searching and searching and emailing folks and getting no results. Then, in one week, I scored two! I was beside myself with excitement. Which one would be better? I finally declared number two the winner. The plan was to sell back the first one after Bread picked up number two. Of course I had Bread get it. I am not brave enough to go alone! I read the news! People will prey on you via Craigslist!
Being the paranoid soul that I am, I searched for the seller of kitchen number two on Facebook! I am so smart! Well, some chick, with the same name, living in the same city as the seller of my precious kitchen, had an open Facebook account. This means, I was able to deduce that, while she may not be a killer, her child did, in fact, have MRSA! No! Hell no! I do not want that shit up in here! We don’t want that! Keep that! There are not enough Lysol Wipes on earth for that! Or, do I? I mean, it’s a nice kitchen! It’s a steal! No! No! Germs! What are you thinking? Bread could wear a Hazmat suit and then we could pour bleach on it! Yes! It’s a deal! No! No! No! You’re crazy! You have a hard enough time with the dog hair in your home let alone knowingly bringing in an infectious disease! Crazy! That’s basically how my internal dialogue went.
I took a poll of friends and family (yes, I suppose I have that much time on my hands). And, no, it was a bad idea, I should not get that kitchen. So, thank you internet for providing me with a wealth of knowledge and allowing me to stalk a random stranger in order to decide I don’t want to buy their shit. Or, I want to buy their shit; I just don’t want their highly-frightening super-bug! This is the perfect example of evil being put to good use (laughs manically). It’s the age of technology, my friends. You better watch yourself!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day Two
One thing that helps me rise and shine at the butt crack of dawn is the promise of a good television program to watch while I torture myself for an hour or so. Summertime programming is over. There is nothing good in my DVR. This is my excuse for deciding to sleep in this morning on the second day of Operation War on Yoga Pants. Well, that and the fact that I was in the midst of the best night’s sleep I’d had in about two weeks; I wanted that extra hour. A sick tot and a crappy mattress make for a crabby-ass Jessie Domestic.
I’ve instructed Bread not to leave the bedroom in the morning sans me. I could see the frightened look in his eyes when he realized I was not jumping out of bed as quickly as I did yesterday; he knew he had a potential disaster if he pressed me. He was recoiling in fearing of me shouting things at him along the lines of, “Why are you making me get up? You think I’m fat don’t you!” I’m not the happiest person in the morning, especially when it’s been nearly two weeks since my last decent night of rest and, if, somebody else is waking me up. I am impressed because I had the sense to tell him that I have a backup plan and, since today was a cardio only day, I could walk the dog and exercise at the same time. I saw the relief register on his face; he knows how I can be when I feel as though I’ve failed.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I was up early yesterday, and according to my heart rate monitor, had burned over 800 calories by 7:30 am yesterday. I slept in today. I feel rested, although the ugly bags under my eyes tell another story. I am going walk with my posse (two dogs and a tot in the jogger) in a bit. Believe me, I needed that sleep. Tomorrow I plan to resume my 6 AM workout because I need to also lift weights and it’s just too hard to do all that during waking hours. Thursday will be an easy day of just Yoga. See? I’ve got this and I feel better all ready.
It’s amazing what a little bit of exercise can do for a person. I love to sweat. I love feeling like I’ve just accomplished something, like I’ve just done something really great for myself. It’s almost better than shopping. Almost! I said not quite! I have more energy during the day when I exercise and I tend to eat less. I sleep better. I could go on and on about the benefits of exercise but you probably know so I’ll spare you.
Bread always tells me that I’m so hard on myself. I’ve always thought he was wrong but I’m starting to see that, perhaps, he’s right. The old Jessie would see today as a failure. Instead, I’m going easy on myself. I knew Bird and I were staying at home this morning and that I could have both an extra hour of sleep and a workout outdoors (which is a thousand times better than in my living room). I didn’t fail; I did rearrange. It’s okay. I do want regular clothes and makeup, but, since I’m not really going anywhere today, and, luckily, my toddler doesn’t mind looking at me without my face on I’ll cope.
I am a very structured person. I function best when I have a plan for each day. A schedule, if you will. Being a SAHM, makes it hard as my number one priority is obviously my tot. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. I know this. But, there are things I can do to plan. It’s all a work in progress. I’m not making excuses, I’m only being flexible. I got some extra sleep and I’m about get my exercise and some quality playtime with my kid. Those are three things that many working moms would love to have. So, instead of beating myself up for what I did “wrong,” I’m realizing I’m human, being happy about what I have and moving on. Wow. How novel. And, tomorrow morning, I’ll hop right out of bed because tonight is Teen Mom, Parenthood and Life Unexpected! Glorious.
I’ve instructed Bread not to leave the bedroom in the morning sans me. I could see the frightened look in his eyes when he realized I was not jumping out of bed as quickly as I did yesterday; he knew he had a potential disaster if he pressed me. He was recoiling in fearing of me shouting things at him along the lines of, “Why are you making me get up? You think I’m fat don’t you!” I’m not the happiest person in the morning, especially when it’s been nearly two weeks since my last decent night of rest and, if, somebody else is waking me up. I am impressed because I had the sense to tell him that I have a backup plan and, since today was a cardio only day, I could walk the dog and exercise at the same time. I saw the relief register on his face; he knows how I can be when I feel as though I’ve failed.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I was up early yesterday, and according to my heart rate monitor, had burned over 800 calories by 7:30 am yesterday. I slept in today. I feel rested, although the ugly bags under my eyes tell another story. I am going walk with my posse (two dogs and a tot in the jogger) in a bit. Believe me, I needed that sleep. Tomorrow I plan to resume my 6 AM workout because I need to also lift weights and it’s just too hard to do all that during waking hours. Thursday will be an easy day of just Yoga. See? I’ve got this and I feel better all ready.
It’s amazing what a little bit of exercise can do for a person. I love to sweat. I love feeling like I’ve just accomplished something, like I’ve just done something really great for myself. It’s almost better than shopping. Almost! I said not quite! I have more energy during the day when I exercise and I tend to eat less. I sleep better. I could go on and on about the benefits of exercise but you probably know so I’ll spare you.
Bread always tells me that I’m so hard on myself. I’ve always thought he was wrong but I’m starting to see that, perhaps, he’s right. The old Jessie would see today as a failure. Instead, I’m going easy on myself. I knew Bird and I were staying at home this morning and that I could have both an extra hour of sleep and a workout outdoors (which is a thousand times better than in my living room). I didn’t fail; I did rearrange. It’s okay. I do want regular clothes and makeup, but, since I’m not really going anywhere today, and, luckily, my toddler doesn’t mind looking at me without my face on I’ll cope.
I am a very structured person. I function best when I have a plan for each day. A schedule, if you will. Being a SAHM, makes it hard as my number one priority is obviously my tot. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. I know this. But, there are things I can do to plan. It’s all a work in progress. I’m not making excuses, I’m only being flexible. I got some extra sleep and I’m about get my exercise and some quality playtime with my kid. Those are three things that many working moms would love to have. So, instead of beating myself up for what I did “wrong,” I’m realizing I’m human, being happy about what I have and moving on. Wow. How novel. And, tomorrow morning, I’ll hop right out of bed because tonight is Teen Mom, Parenthood and Life Unexpected! Glorious.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Operation War on Yoga Pants
This begins the countdown to my independence. I am officially liberating myself from the yoga pant. I believe my happiness is directly related to my wardrobe. And, as of late, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis due to the fact that I spend an abnormal amount of time in pants made for exercising while I’m not actually, well, exerting myself in any way. In order to regain my sense of self, I’m removing the option of wearing yoga pants for anything other than yoga or exercise.
As a stay-at-home mom, I have many freedoms. I have the flexibility to make my own schedule. I can mostly do whatever I want each day. Probably better said, I can do whatever my toddler will allow me to do each day. I won’t go into the pluses and minuses of having the privilege of spending each and every waking hour with my daughter, but I will tell you about the glory that is my daily wardrobe choices! It’s a blessing and a curse, I tell you! If you’re like me, and feeling a wee bit chubby, the yoga pant is an excellent option. It’s elasticized! It’s like Spanx without all the shimmying! It’s black so, therefore, slimming, right?! It comes in boot cut or capri length! You can wear it with a tank top or a t-shirt! You can wear a hoodie with it if it gets chilly! If you wear it with tennis shoes, you will appear to be a fitness goddess!
Now, you folks reading this from your place of employment, in your suits and, hopefully not hose (I pray to Jesus your employer does not make you wear pantyhose), are probably thinking, what’s this bitch complaining about, I would love to sit around in leisure-wear all day. No! No! It makes you lazy! It possesses your mind! You will put jeans on, go out for an hour or two and come home only to immediately return to your elastic glory!
Seriously, people, I’ve had to perform an intervention on myself. No more yoga pants! I cannot! I feel like a slob! Basically, I get dressed each day, with my workout in mind. On most days, this does not happen until Bread gets home which is after 6 pm. This means, I spend days on end wearing only pants with a stretchy waistband since I generally go from working out to the shower and my pajamas (sorry if I just ruined the notion you had of me lounging in lingerie). This is messing with my psyche. I need to wear regular clothes, put make up on and style my hair.
In order to solve my problem, I’ve declared tomorrow, Monday, September 13, 2010, the beginning of Operation War on Yoga Pants! I shan’t wear them! I have spent numerous hours reading magazines and scouring the internet for “cool” clothes. I am officially a wealth of fall fashion knowledge. I have purchased some clothing I believe will meet my needs and make me feel like a “normal” human being.
What is the first mission in this war, you ask? After consulting some mom friends, I’ve decided that my exercise time shall be first thing in the morning. I shall rise, with Bread, at six in the morning and have my daily workout routine completed by 7:30 am. At this time, Bird will be allowed to join me, if she’s awake. I shall feed her and get her situated for her morning episode of Sesame Street, at which time I will be able to shower, dress and put on some make up (gasp), if I haven’t already done so. God bless Jesus for having a plan! I am committing to do this each and every week day. I shall be feeling normal in no time! Next week I shall tackle nightly snacking! Baby steps, people!
As a stay-at-home mom, I have many freedoms. I have the flexibility to make my own schedule. I can mostly do whatever I want each day. Probably better said, I can do whatever my toddler will allow me to do each day. I won’t go into the pluses and minuses of having the privilege of spending each and every waking hour with my daughter, but I will tell you about the glory that is my daily wardrobe choices! It’s a blessing and a curse, I tell you! If you’re like me, and feeling a wee bit chubby, the yoga pant is an excellent option. It’s elasticized! It’s like Spanx without all the shimmying! It’s black so, therefore, slimming, right?! It comes in boot cut or capri length! You can wear it with a tank top or a t-shirt! You can wear a hoodie with it if it gets chilly! If you wear it with tennis shoes, you will appear to be a fitness goddess!
Now, you folks reading this from your place of employment, in your suits and, hopefully not hose (I pray to Jesus your employer does not make you wear pantyhose), are probably thinking, what’s this bitch complaining about, I would love to sit around in leisure-wear all day. No! No! It makes you lazy! It possesses your mind! You will put jeans on, go out for an hour or two and come home only to immediately return to your elastic glory!
Seriously, people, I’ve had to perform an intervention on myself. No more yoga pants! I cannot! I feel like a slob! Basically, I get dressed each day, with my workout in mind. On most days, this does not happen until Bread gets home which is after 6 pm. This means, I spend days on end wearing only pants with a stretchy waistband since I generally go from working out to the shower and my pajamas (sorry if I just ruined the notion you had of me lounging in lingerie). This is messing with my psyche. I need to wear regular clothes, put make up on and style my hair.
In order to solve my problem, I’ve declared tomorrow, Monday, September 13, 2010, the beginning of Operation War on Yoga Pants! I shan’t wear them! I have spent numerous hours reading magazines and scouring the internet for “cool” clothes. I am officially a wealth of fall fashion knowledge. I have purchased some clothing I believe will meet my needs and make me feel like a “normal” human being.
What is the first mission in this war, you ask? After consulting some mom friends, I’ve decided that my exercise time shall be first thing in the morning. I shall rise, with Bread, at six in the morning and have my daily workout routine completed by 7:30 am. At this time, Bird will be allowed to join me, if she’s awake. I shall feed her and get her situated for her morning episode of Sesame Street, at which time I will be able to shower, dress and put on some make up (gasp), if I haven’t already done so. God bless Jesus for having a plan! I am committing to do this each and every week day. I shall be feeling normal in no time! Next week I shall tackle nightly snacking! Baby steps, people!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, Bitches
Why is the week following a holiday weekend so long? Always. For me, this week, it’s because Bird has been much like a teenager during puberty. This frightens me for when she actually is a teenager going through puberty. Shit. I’m so screwed. I should have been a better person this lifetime. Karma.
One of our local radio stations was having a chat about celebrities they wish would go away for good. My ears perked right up there due to my fascination of all things celebrity. This got me thinking. There are many people who frequent the sites I read that I cannot even bear to look at. I realize that I have a long list of stars I wish would go away so I’ve narrowed it down; for whatever reason these folks really get under my skin. In honor of it being Friday and me keeping with my promise to blog, here is my top ten list:
10. Snooki. I don’t believe I need to elaborate on this.
9. Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter. I shan’t even say her name.
8. Rachel from Big Brother. Ugg.
7. Kanye West. How could anyone be mean to Taylor Swift? And, I’m not even a country music fan, really.
6. Eva Longoria. Double Ugg.
5. Kate Gosselin. She has such cute children but heels and short skirts to chase them? There’s not much I hate worse than people who don’t dress for the occasion. Flats. At least she fixed her hair…
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers. NAILS ON A CHALK BOARD.
3. Rachael Ray. Fake.
2. Jennifer Aniston. Over-rated. Too perfect. Nobody is that perfect. She must have an extra nipple or something.
1. Mel Gibson. Go away. Take your racial slurs and your over-active sperm, crawl under a rock and leave us all alone. Walk. Do not run and definitely do not make any more films.
In my mind, the world would be a better place sans the aforementioned folks. This is just my opinion. Who did I miss?
On the other hand, there are lots of celebs who do not get nearly enough press. I need more of these people. Here is my list:
10. Chelsea Handler. I love her. She says it just like it is. We could learn so much from her!
9. Tim Gunn. Fabulous.
8. Johnny Damon. The perfect specimen of the male being, with dimples!
7. Jon Hamm. I guess I have a thing for Jons.
6. Betty White. She had me as Rose Nylund.
5. David Hasselhoff. I’ve loved him since Night Rider but fell in love all over again when I saw him shed a tear on an American Idol finale. I’m kidding. He fascinates me. I feel normal. “This is a mess.”
4. Rocco DiSpirito. Adorable and he cooks!
3. Christina Hendricks. I’m curvy. She’s curvy. She’s famous. My hero! Of course I love her!
2. Taye Diggs. I wish we could mate. Don’t tell Bread.
1. The Kardashians. I love them. Do not hate me.
The world would definitely be a better place if we all had a bit more of these people. Who did I miss? Happy Friday!
One of our local radio stations was having a chat about celebrities they wish would go away for good. My ears perked right up there due to my fascination of all things celebrity. This got me thinking. There are many people who frequent the sites I read that I cannot even bear to look at. I realize that I have a long list of stars I wish would go away so I’ve narrowed it down; for whatever reason these folks really get under my skin. In honor of it being Friday and me keeping with my promise to blog, here is my top ten list:
10. Snooki. I don’t believe I need to elaborate on this.
9. Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter. I shan’t even say her name.
8. Rachel from Big Brother. Ugg.
7. Kanye West. How could anyone be mean to Taylor Swift? And, I’m not even a country music fan, really.
6. Eva Longoria. Double Ugg.
5. Kate Gosselin. She has such cute children but heels and short skirts to chase them? There’s not much I hate worse than people who don’t dress for the occasion. Flats. At least she fixed her hair…
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers. NAILS ON A CHALK BOARD.
3. Rachael Ray. Fake.
2. Jennifer Aniston. Over-rated. Too perfect. Nobody is that perfect. She must have an extra nipple or something.
1. Mel Gibson. Go away. Take your racial slurs and your over-active sperm, crawl under a rock and leave us all alone. Walk. Do not run and definitely do not make any more films.
In my mind, the world would be a better place sans the aforementioned folks. This is just my opinion. Who did I miss?
On the other hand, there are lots of celebs who do not get nearly enough press. I need more of these people. Here is my list:
10. Chelsea Handler. I love her. She says it just like it is. We could learn so much from her!
9. Tim Gunn. Fabulous.
8. Johnny Damon. The perfect specimen of the male being, with dimples!
7. Jon Hamm. I guess I have a thing for Jons.
6. Betty White. She had me as Rose Nylund.
5. David Hasselhoff. I’ve loved him since Night Rider but fell in love all over again when I saw him shed a tear on an American Idol finale. I’m kidding. He fascinates me. I feel normal. “This is a mess.”
4. Rocco DiSpirito. Adorable and he cooks!
3. Christina Hendricks. I’m curvy. She’s curvy. She’s famous. My hero! Of course I love her!
2. Taye Diggs. I wish we could mate. Don’t tell Bread.
1. The Kardashians. I love them. Do not hate me.
The world would definitely be a better place if we all had a bit more of these people. Who did I miss? Happy Friday!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Fall Lineup
If it were possible to blog by osmosis, I’d have had a summer filled with enthralling entries (I am deluding myself into believing what I’ve been saying here is that exciting). Alas, I’ve been lazy and neglectful. Summer was busy or, at least, I convinced myself I was too busy to blog. Truthfully, I just didn’t have much to say. But, over the past week or so, I’ve compiled a list of things I should or could write about. This is good.
This here blog is sort of like my connection to the outside world, I suppose. I feel better after I write a bunch. I especially feel better when people tell me they are enjoying what I’m writing about. This makes me happy (hint, hint). I kid, I kid. It’s as if my blog is a free therapist, one who makes fun of me almost as much as I make fun of myself. Almost.
Fall has sprung, people and I could not be happier! I hate summer. Gasp. I know. We wait the entire long winter to be outside, summer comes and it’s too bleeping hot to go outdoors. I do not like to sweat while I’m just standing. My hair does not like the humidity. My makeup (what makeup) runs. I need to be able to do my face. Fall is good for all of these things.
I have a sick child this week and I’m not feeling great myself (this no longer matters in the world of parenthood). Bird has a cold which, for her, can turn into something worse because she’s almost asthmatic. So, after a trip to the doctor, some medicine and a few days of watching too much telly, she’s feeling better. The meds! Let me tell you about the meds! They are like speed for a child. She has a breathing machine and the medicine that goes along with that proclaims a side effect to be hyperactivity as does the steroid they’ve given her. This is a minor understatement. Minor. The child cannot focus on anything. She has been literally bouncing off the walls, running from one couch to the other jumping, yelling and speaking in tongue. I swear. Last night Bread was trying to ask her a question and she was answering him by repeating the same undecipherable statement. She’s manic because she goes from that to crying and yelling. I’ve had to hide all the knives!
After she had her meds last night, she was running in circles. It was funny. I wonder, in the time of modern medicine, why there isn’t something else they can give them. It’s like, you have a sick kid, here’s some speed for her, now have her rest. WTF? So, she’s running in circles, stopping and, while still standing up, attempting to kick herself in the head and knocking herself down. All the while she’s doing this, she’s laughing. Bread starts laughing hysterically. I start laughing hysterically. We’re all cackling like a bunch of hyenas. We compose ourselves and I say, while nodding, “I think I need to hit that.” More hysterical laughter from Bread ensues. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there but it was comical. And, I do need to get some of that. Think of all that I could get done! The weight I said I was going to lose over the summer would melt off! It would be fabulous! I’m sort of serious. I’m getting desperate here, people.
So, fall is here, my child is on crack and I’m working on some posts. Life is good. I have a plan to write about several good things including: new recipes I’ve tried, fall fashion, tips for wedded bliss, television shows, old age and, of course, stories about my child because everybody cares as much about her as I do. See what you have to look forward to? I know. I know. The excitement!
This here blog is sort of like my connection to the outside world, I suppose. I feel better after I write a bunch. I especially feel better when people tell me they are enjoying what I’m writing about. This makes me happy (hint, hint). I kid, I kid. It’s as if my blog is a free therapist, one who makes fun of me almost as much as I make fun of myself. Almost.
Fall has sprung, people and I could not be happier! I hate summer. Gasp. I know. We wait the entire long winter to be outside, summer comes and it’s too bleeping hot to go outdoors. I do not like to sweat while I’m just standing. My hair does not like the humidity. My makeup (what makeup) runs. I need to be able to do my face. Fall is good for all of these things.
I have a sick child this week and I’m not feeling great myself (this no longer matters in the world of parenthood). Bird has a cold which, for her, can turn into something worse because she’s almost asthmatic. So, after a trip to the doctor, some medicine and a few days of watching too much telly, she’s feeling better. The meds! Let me tell you about the meds! They are like speed for a child. She has a breathing machine and the medicine that goes along with that proclaims a side effect to be hyperactivity as does the steroid they’ve given her. This is a minor understatement. Minor. The child cannot focus on anything. She has been literally bouncing off the walls, running from one couch to the other jumping, yelling and speaking in tongue. I swear. Last night Bread was trying to ask her a question and she was answering him by repeating the same undecipherable statement. She’s manic because she goes from that to crying and yelling. I’ve had to hide all the knives!
After she had her meds last night, she was running in circles. It was funny. I wonder, in the time of modern medicine, why there isn’t something else they can give them. It’s like, you have a sick kid, here’s some speed for her, now have her rest. WTF? So, she’s running in circles, stopping and, while still standing up, attempting to kick herself in the head and knocking herself down. All the while she’s doing this, she’s laughing. Bread starts laughing hysterically. I start laughing hysterically. We’re all cackling like a bunch of hyenas. We compose ourselves and I say, while nodding, “I think I need to hit that.” More hysterical laughter from Bread ensues. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there but it was comical. And, I do need to get some of that. Think of all that I could get done! The weight I said I was going to lose over the summer would melt off! It would be fabulous! I’m sort of serious. I’m getting desperate here, people.
So, fall is here, my child is on crack and I’m working on some posts. Life is good. I have a plan to write about several good things including: new recipes I’ve tried, fall fashion, tips for wedded bliss, television shows, old age and, of course, stories about my child because everybody cares as much about her as I do. See what you have to look forward to? I know. I know. The excitement!
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