Sherlock Effing Holmes

I have found myself wondering, on many occasions, what moms did before internet. How did they get child-rearing advice, fashion tips and find the lowest price on diapers? Did they actually have to read maps to get to where they were going? Did they use cookbooks for their recipe needs? How on earth were they able to keep up on to-the-minute celebrity gossip? Where, besides pesky class reunions, did they get the dirt on their former classmates? The world must have been a scary place sans the World Wide Web. Thank you, Al Gore. Right.

So, thanks to the internet (Facebook) and my super detective skills, I now know that one of my ex-boyfriends is divorced with two kids and dating some chick named Helga. The other one is divorced, dating some chick that looks to be about 50 and is missing some teeth. Yikes. I feel so superior. Why is it, despite the fact these two are exes for a reason, it still matters that I made out better than them. I’m happy!  My husband is quite good-looking, I will say so myself. He looks young too! My friend Jackie’s mom thought he was only 20! I would be such a cradle robber! Awesome! And, best of all, today when I told him I was watching Teen Mom during naptime, he didn’t care. He didn’t say anything like, “Bitch, my dinner better be on the table and you better clean the house.” He just said, “Cool. I miss you.” He loves me! Anyway, thank you internet for allowing me the capabilities to feel like a psycho stalker.  Actually, I don’t really feel like that because my friends do it too. This makes it okay. There is safety in numbers, people.

One of my other favorite internet places is Craigslist. It’s a freaking 24 hour garage sale! One where you can look only for those things you want and don’t have to sift through other people’s junk. Bird’s birthday is coming and I want one of those cool retro kitchens for her. I love them! They are so much cooler than the plastic ones! I refuse to pay $400 of that shit, though. Enter Craigslist. I will let some other dumb fool pay that much for a kitchen, discover that their child does not like it and then they can sell it to me for less than half the price. Plus, Bird is young, she doesn’t know what used is. I’m saving money for when she wants designer clothes and all that fancy shit.

Anyway, I was searching and searching and emailing folks and getting no results. Then, in one week, I scored two! I was beside myself with excitement. Which one would be better? I finally declared number two the winner. The plan was to sell back the first one after Bread picked up number two. Of course I had Bread get it. I am not brave enough to go alone! I read the news! People will prey on you via Craigslist!

Being the paranoid soul that I am, I searched for the seller of kitchen number two on Facebook! I am so smart! Well, some chick, with the same name, living in the same city as the seller of my precious kitchen, had an open Facebook account. This means, I was able to deduce that, while she may not be a killer, her child did, in fact, have MRSA! No! Hell no! I do not want that shit up in here! We don’t want that! Keep that! There are not enough Lysol Wipes on earth for that! Or, do I? I mean, it’s a nice kitchen! It’s a steal! No! No! Germs! What are you thinking? Bread could wear a Hazmat suit and then we could pour bleach on it! Yes! It’s a deal! No! No! No! You’re crazy! You have a hard enough time with the dog hair in your home let alone knowingly bringing in an infectious disease! Crazy! That’s basically how my internal dialogue went.

I took a poll of friends and family (yes, I suppose I have that much time on my hands). And, no, it was a bad idea, I should not get that kitchen. So, thank you internet for providing me with a wealth of knowledge and allowing me to stalk a random stranger in order to decide I don’t want to buy their shit. Or, I want to buy their shit; I just don’t want their highly-frightening super-bug! This is the perfect example of evil being put to good use (laughs manically). It’s the age of technology, my friends. You better watch yourself!