The Animosity Coat

For my birthday two years ago, my dear friend, Matt, bought me this coat. He is a loyal Eddie Bauer employee. He recalled me mentioning that I wanted a new casual, warm coat and purchased this for me. To be honest, I liked it but I am not a huge Eddie fan. I’m not being rude, Matt knows this. They sell mom jeans! I can’t! I can’t! It’s bad enough that I get the mail in the morning while wearing my bathrobe. I cannot participate in the bathrobe and mom jeans!

Honestly, it’s the best coat ever. It’s huge; massive really. It’s like bringing an extra person. You have to have an extra chair when dining out. There’s no stuffing it on your seat next to you, no sir. I love it! I love it! I feel the need to repeat myself! I feel the need to repeat myself!

No, really, down is most definitely God’s answer to cold weather. I start salivating at the mention of cold temperatures in October because I cannot wait to put the down comforter on my bed. Bread hates this as our sleeping preferences differ. I like warm and cozy in the bed and freezing cold outside. I love to turn the heat down really low at night and turn our ceiling fan on. Bread wants a sheet with the heat cranked. I am frugal. That, my friends, is a terrible plan. Imagine the gas bill!

So, the coat is glorious. It’s like wrapping yourself up in a huge down blanket. It’s toasty and cozy. I never feel cold, even on the chilliest of Michigan days. It’s perfect for the days where the temperature is in the single digits with a vicious wind chill. I will say, because it’s so large, it’s not very practical to take it places where you have your coat and nowhere to put it while you shop, play or whatever.

Just as Bread loathes the down comforter, he loathes THE COAT. It wasn’t always this way. It happened last year around this time. We went to the mall. Bird was happy as she was allowed to play in the giant, germ-infested kid pit. Bread was happy because he could just sit and watch her. I was happy because I could shop in peace and I had someplace to leave my coat; it was cold outside so I needed to wear THE COAT that particular day.

I headed out on my way, found some items to try on and went to the dressing room with a huge pile. Of course I heard my cell beeping furiously from my bag but I wasn’t too worried about it. I was busy trying on clothes! What could be more important than me scoring a cute outfit to wear to my BFF’s rehearsal dinner? I can think of nothing. 

Well, it turns out Bird crapped her pants. Bread was alone in the kid pit with her, her shit-filled pants, his coat and THE COAT. He was trying to get me to come and get THE COAT. He was pissed. I mean pissed. There was steam rapidly flowing from his entire self. He was livid.

I get that. I understand the frustration. But, I always answer my phone. Shouldn’t I get a free pass once? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Once. But, no, he was mad. I, being a mom and able to master several tasks at a time while balancing a stack of books upon my head, thought this not to be a big deal. Bread, however, felt the opposite. It was very traumatizing for him to try and juggle a toddler with shitty pants and a corpse of a jacket.

I believe he spent the rest of the day pissed at me. I know for certain he complained (being polite here) the entire drive home. He spoke of it being ridiculous and huge. He told me that half the time I don’t wear it and we have to reserve a seat in the car for it. He said he wanted to light it on fire. He ruined the coat for me. I didn’t wear it for the longest time. I couldn’t. I felt like wearing THE COAT was putting us on the brink of divorce.

He got over it. He didn’t speak about it. I eventually began wearing it again. He still scowls at it. I watch him look at me when we leave the house. I know he’s saying a silent prayer for me not to choose it. I try but, well, you know. So, this year, I bought him the best Christmas present of all-I got myself a new jacket, thus, guaranteeing us martial stability! It’s half the size! Who knew the answer to matrimonial issues was only a new coat away? Wait! I still feel off! I need a new bag, some shoes and perhaps some perfume. Then, I will feel great. Merry Christmas!