Bless Me Father, For I Continue to Sin

Back in the day, when Malbie and I were young and dumb, we lived together (not because we were dumb but because we were friends-felt the need for clarification here). We did lots of stupid things; we were in college, what would college be without ignorance? We used to stay up late, skip class, drink, some of us tried smoking (ahem, not me) and of course we dated, and wasted countless hours on stupid boys (definitely me). She used to get drunk and climb the fence to our apartment pool for a midnight swim. I never did this for a couple reasons: I’m not very agile and I was afraid of being caught.

Somewhere, in the four years we cohabitated, we began collecting Jesus items. It started with a Jesus figurine, purchased on a random, midnight trip to Meijer. His hands fell off at some point; neither of us can recall why or how but he became our mascot. When I got my first real, college-degree-required job, she took me out to lunch. As she dropped me back off at my office, she said she had a present for me; I was gifted the handless Jesus. He lived with me for the next five years. We never spoke of him, ever. I never even acknowledged her gift to me; I opened it after she drove off, per her instructions. I gave him back to her at her bachelorette party, after a brief absence (I lost him somewhere in my home-strike one). He partied with us the night of her shindig! Despite his lack of hands, Jesus knows how to roll.  Please note how happy Jesus apears to be riding on our cooler full of booze!

Somewhere in there I also received a dangerous looking Jesus clock. It was purchased at the dollar store so you can imagine the exquisite beauty. It’s glass, and pointy, and sharp. But, the ultimate Jesus gift was bestowed upon me two weekends ago, while Malbie and Matt were in town. I received the Jesus Saves Mug! It shows Jesus holding scissors and coupons. When you pour hot liquids in the mug, his beard, and the scissors, disappear and the coupon turns into a razor! This is awesome! Jesus Saves! No! No! Jesus Shaves! We all know shaving is a necessity. It’s easier to find a job with a clean shaven face. Especially in this economy! Nobody can afford to hire a custom carpenter right now!  Jesus may need to seek some supplemental income! Or, was that Joseph who was the carpenter? My Catholic upbringing escapes me…Strike Two!

I decided it would be best for me to drink my beer out of my new mug that night. Malbie has a, um well, rather loopy relative. She’s the person that nobody wants to talk to. The person who engages you in a conversation you don’t want to be part of and you don’t necessarily understand. At some point, Bread was filling my mug at the keg and Loopy Relative caught him. From what I understand, she shouted, “That mug is sassy!” Confused, as to whether she was kidding or not, Bread asked exactly what she meant by this. “You will burn in eternal hellfire for this!” Yikes. So, our good friend, Chris decides to sell me out by telling her, “It’s Jessie’s mug!” WTF? I don’t know about your Jesus, but my Jesus totally has a sense of humor. Jesus Saves! Jesus Shaves! Jesus laughs! Jesus plays pranks! Jesus likes wine! Beer is like wine; therefore, it is okay to drink beer from your Jesus Saves mug (strike three). And, straight to hell I go.