Tuesday Confessional

I had a list of things in my head as options for this blog post. Then I decided I could just write about them all. A little bit of a confessional, if you will. I did talk about Jesus last week so to carry on with my, um, religious theme is just about right. So, here goes:

1) My friend, Jackie is my television soul mate. She knows what it’s like to love a good show. That said she is the only person who understands the utter excitement of tonight’s Teen Mom season premiere. I can hardly contain myself! She’s at work right now so there isn’t even a chance for us to discuss it. If you’ve never seen this show, you should watch it. I am truly fascinated. We are also eagerly awaiting the season premiere of Mad Men on Sunday. God Bless Jesus for some good summertime TV!

2) I hate summer. You think, no you can’t. Yes! Yes, I can! I hate that twenty minutes after I’ve left my house in the morning I’m feeling the little trickle of sweat run down my back. I hate that my hair is frizzy all the time. I hate that it’s too hot/sticky to bother with makeup. I hate that at some point in summer, I am forced to wear a bathing suit which doesn’t fit right because I have giant boobs among other body flaws that I’ll fail to mention. I hate that I have to either exercise first thing in the morning (not ideal because Bird likes her Sesame and this is the only time when it’s cool enough for her to play outdoors) or at night when there are a million swarms of mating gnats (yes, that’s what they’re doing Bread Googled that Shit). I think, right about now, 20 degrees outside, toasty cozy inside, a Snuggie and a mug of hot chocolate sound delightful. Shit!

3) I like my current size. This is a lie. If you know me, you know this is as far from the truth as anything. But, in the hopes of one day believing this falsehood, I’m going to keep saying it. This will be my mantra. “I like my size! I like my size!” I will believe! Bread thinks I am lovely. I have curves! I am representing the “average” woman! I don’t have any rolls when I stand up! Perhaps a bit of a muffin top but no actual rolls! I am blessed! I can run! I can do aerobic activity! I lift weights! I am healthy! I can eat whatever I want and maintain my size! Plenty of women would love to be my size. “I like my size!” Lies. All lies. Maybe I should look at it another way. I do not have any of the following: a third eye, too hairy of an upper lip or a peg leg. Yes! Yes! I am lovely!

4) My inner Domestic Diva really wants to take advantage of our seasonal produce and can some shit. I’ve never canned anything in my life. I’m scared. WTF is wrong with me? Who worries about this? I want to make pickles, jam and salsa. Please help. What do I do?

5) I am scared to go to the gym because I gained some weight. Fucking ridiculous. I know this.

6) I am obsessed with baseball. I watch every game and DVR it if I’m not home. I don’t like to miss a game. Have you ever seen Johnny Damon? Beautiful specimen of the male species. I swear. Bread knows. He doesn’t mind because it means he also gets to watch baseball. I’m happy! He’s happy! Everybody is happy! It’s a win win situation!

7) Don’t these little bastards sound good?

8) I’m going to write a book. I’ve got the feeling. I am getting closer.

9) I am glad I no longer have a “real” job.

10) I’ve taught my two-year old the Star Spangled Banner and I’m quite proud of this. She’s a really good singer! And smart too! And cute!