The past couple days have been rather hectic around here. Sunday, I may have been recovering from a night of binge drinking (I have reasons for this, and, yes, I understand that consuming mass amounts of alcohol does not solve problems, thankyouverymuch). So needless to say, I didn’t get a lot done. Normally I could have because Bread was home. But, I did consume ice cream for lunch and Pei Wei for dinner, so life that day was extremely spectacular. Did I mention that we fed our tot ice cream for lunch on Sunday? Yep. Totally did that. Do you have a problem with it? Judge me. I’ll judge you right back. So there.
That brings me to yesterday, trying to catch up from having spent most of the day Sunday lounging and shoveling carbohydrates into my mouth. Contrary to popular belief, we SAHMs do have things to do. The top item on my list, you ask? Laundry. I find it rather trying to do laundry without actual laundry soap so off to Target we went. I had a rather large list, so I packed a lunch for Bird and we left the house around 11:30 in the morning. Little did I know that this was going to be an even longer trip then I anticipated.
We arrive at Target. First stop was the rest room. I had coffee so, there’s that. Next stop, of course was the Dollar Spot! Woot! Woot! I love the little notebooks and notepads! Next we hit the women’s clearance section followed by workout clothes and pajamas. We always have to peruse the shoe section and toddler clearance. I scored Bird some shorts for next year at the low, low price of $1.50. Now it was on to things we actually needed such as: toothpaste, pantry items, deodorant, Febreeze and oh, yes, laundry soap. Somewhere between the pantry and the Febreeze, Bird announced, first with a very loud passing of wind, and then vocally, that she needed to poop. Balls. Of course the bathroom is all the way across the store. After this was taken care of, and my child was about five pounds lighter, we finalized our purchases and made our way to the checkout.
Somehow, because this always happens despite the fact that I swear this is not going to happen, things that were not on the list made their way into our cart. Yesterday, it was a Disney Nemo Pool. I should say there is a back story to this. My crazy Uncle Ed took a picture of his neighbor’s Disney Princess Pool. I’ve seen them in the store and, believe me, so has Bird. But, you can’t always have everything you want, now can you? Unless Grandma is buying! Grandma wanted to get Bird the pool. I said okay but Target was out and she was enamored with the Nemo one. Also, it was on sale! Done! I suppose most people don’t wait until the middle of August to fulfill their summertime swimming needs, so a sale was not really unexpected. I feel the need to explain that my child is not deprived; she has a nice plastic pool from last year that has been meeting her needs just fine thus far. I don’t feed her ice cream for lunch and deprive her of the childhood glory that is a teeny tiny swimming pool! God!
We take all our shit home. The child is in need of a rest. She is on the brink. I’m not against her skipping a nap, but I could tell she really needed one yesterday. We arrive home and, amid promises of her getting to use the pool when Daddy gets home (after dinner, which was NOT ice cream), Bird agrees to a “rest.” She actually asked twice if she could sleep with her pool (suffocation hazard or else why the hell not). When, she yelled down the stairs about using it later, I told her, “SLEEP. PLEASE.” Why did we have to wait for Bread, you ask? I don’t know how to use the air compressor. Rather, I don’t know how to find the proper attachment among the mess that is our garage. Ahem. And, while I certainly am windy, I'm not that windy. Where is this post going you ask? It’s going. It’s going! I swear there’s a point.
Two hours later, I wake the child! “It's time to wake up! Let’s make dinner,” I shout up the stairs like a proper mom would. “I want my pool,” proclaims the child. I remind her that Daddy will have to blow it up when he gets home and we have to eat dinner first. I’m proud of her for her patience and understanding. Personally, I think she understands my plight that is our horribly over-filled, dirty, yuck garage.
The first words out of her mouth to Bread once he arrives home were about the damn pool. I’d warned him; he was prepared. So, immediately after we finish our fine meal, I send them out to fill up the pool! My child is yelling and screaming, “I’m so excited! My pool!” Minutes later, Bread returns, looking dejected, to tell me that the pool is indeed missing the slide! The slide? No way? You're kidding me? That’s the best part! So, we explain to our child what has happened and decide to go back to another Target in search of a replacement. Again, she handles this very well.
We load up the family sedan and head to our least favorite Target. Nobody there is friendly, apologetic or helpful. I don’t want to waste time with the morons asking for help so I go check the shelves to see if they have another one, or ideally, since she’s now begun asking for it, a princess pool. No, they do not! We decide to drive to yet another Target (yes, I tried to look online but they didn’t have any of the Disney pools on their site because it’s August).
So, Target number three for the day. They have it! God bless, Jesus! They have the Nemo Pool! Oh! Wait! What’s that I spy? It’s the Disney Princess Pool! Which one does she want? I’ll give you one guess. Yes! It’s a giant blow up castle with Belle, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White on it, and it’s going in my backyard!
By the time we pay for it, drive home and get her suit on, it’s now nine o’clock at night. Yet another reason I’m a terrible parent-of course I let her swim. Who wouldn’t? The child’s hopes and dreams were dashed by some asshole who decided to purchase a pool, take out part of it, or fail to mention when he returned it, that the best part was missing. I’m going to let her swim!
I come outside, after Bread has blown it up and am, despite the measurements on the box, completely shocked at how small the thing is. I mean, the picture on the box had three girls in it! There was a mom, in the pool, with a cocktail! I saw it! Oh, wait, that was me after this day finally ended! That thing looked spacious! Relaxing! Refreshing! The towers on the castle look like giant, pink phalluses! I love you, Disney! Thank you for making ugly paraphernalia for my backyard!
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