The Great Mattress Debacle of 2010

I am not necessarily a frugal person. I mean, I like to save where I can but I’m not afraid to spend either. I like to get things on sale and I don’t love making unnecessary purchases. I don’t like to waste things. I try to think about each and every purchase as a need versus a want. Do we need 75 rolls of paper towel because it’s on sale? Possibly. Do I need seven different shades of pale pink lip gloss? Yes. Do we need clothes? Yes. Does Bird need a pair of shoes for every occasion? Yes. Do I? Absolutely. Do I need a manicure and a pedicure every other week? No. I would like one but, since we now live on one income, some things have had to go. I’m okay with that. I am. It’s all about priorities, people. If I do my own nails, I can have more shoes and a huge lip gloss variety. You see? Need versus want. It’s rather simple.

I feel the need to share this story with my internet friends because it makes me laugh and laughter is the best medicine. There is a bit of a back story here. Please bear with me; I’m tackling this as best I can as I’m a wee out of practice here. It came to light that something was wrong with our bed. It seemed to be sagging in the middle and there was no support. Our mattress is less than three years old so, in my mind, there was no way we could need a new one. Aren’t those bastards supposed to last 10 years or something? Hell, I know people who have slept on the same mattress for 20 years.

We have a bed frame, complete with a headboard and footboard, purchased from IKEA at about the same time we got the mattress. Bread and I discussed it and he thought, perhaps, it was the frame causing out mattress to sag as there wasn’t a ton of support underneath. He said we should get rid of the frame. What? No! I love this bed! It “goes” with our room! We need this bed! We aren’t going to buy a new one! That’s a waste! There’s nothing wrong with the frame! After some eye rolling and heavy sighing, Bread’s solution was to put some more boards underneath. This worked for a while. Let’s say six months. Then the problem began again. So bread actually built something (he’s so handy!) to go underneath the bed and hold it up better. This worked for a month or so until it became apparent neither of us was sleeping well.

Again, I told Bread it was the damn mattress. They should let you sleep for a night on the damn things. How in the hell are you supposed to deduct if you like a mattress or not by laying awkwardly on it, in the middle of the store, while dozens of strangers mill about you waiting for their turn? And, you don’t want to actually put your head on it because God knows what else has been there. There could have been some stranger’s ass or a child’s snotty face! No, thanks! Welcome to my world of germaphobia! I cannot Purell my entire face! My skin would dry out! Welcome to my world of complete and total vanity!

Moving on then, after a brief “discussion” where I insisted that it was not, in fact, our cheap IKEA bed frame causing our distress, “we” decided it would be best if we tried the mattress on another frame. We have a guest bed, so the plan was to bring the frame from the downstairs guest bedroom upstairs in order to try it with our mattress.

I believe it was a Tuesday night. Bread decided he couldn't sleep one more night on the shitty bed. He begins the process of moving things around. At some point, I suggest we just throw the mattress on the floor, on top of the box springs, for a night or two. It’s the same idea, right? Bread agrees. I’m trying to save him the trouble of having to move all this stuff around. Admittedly, this is because I’m afraid it actually is the bed frame creating the problem and I don’t want him to beat the shit out of me when we finally conclude this.

He gets the mattress all “set up” on the floor. When Bird sees what we’ve done, she exclaims, “Oh! I like this! It’s a little bed!” No, actually, it’s ghetto as hell. But, it does go really well with the sheets we currently have hanging as “curtains” (another story for another day).

I think we slept like that for about two weeks. I wanted to be sure. I’m positive now. It’s the damn mattress. No, wait! Maybe it’s the box spring! Yes! Yes! That’s it! The mattress is saggy because the box spring is two pieces. There is a crack in the center and this is causing the mattress to feel saggy. Our solution to this problem, you ask? We put the frame back together and put the mattress on the frame sans box springs. Problem solved, right. No! No! It’s the mattress, I say! That was terrible! It did not work at all!

Over the course of all this, I’m keeping my brother, who has recently gone through a similar debacle, abreast (I so wanted a reason to use that word) of the situation. He suggests we try the Memory Foam mattress topper he bought and only used once because it was too soft. At this point I’m desperate because I don’t want to get rid of my cute bed frame or spend money on a new mattress (must determine if it’s a need or a want, you know) so I agree.

He brings us the mattress topper, which barely fits in his car. This sucker is huge! Since it’s placed in two garbage bags, it appears we are carrying a body into our home. We are now giving our neighbors more to talk about. They have already alluded to the fact that they believe we are growing marijuana in our basement because we never turn the light off. It’s a long story but, essentially, our dog used to sleep down there in her crate and, for some reason, we just never turn the light off. Once they began saying stuff to us it sort of became a game of us not wanting to turn the light off because we enjoyed having our neighbors believe we were, in fact, growing pot in our basement. Don’t you know that’s why we live the luxurious lifestyle we do- spending money like it is water? I mean, seriously, if I was doing that, don’t you think I’d have a nanny? I would certainly have an Escalade with over-sized, chrome rims and a kicking system. There would be some extra cash and I would definitely, at least, be getting my bi-weekly mani and pedi. Geez.

That brings us to where we are now. The mattress topper is huge. Our mattress pad barely fits over it. And, coupled with our pillow-top mattress, the sheet can barely fit. But, we are trying it! I do not want to get rid of that frame! It’s not the frame! It’s the damn mattress! I swear! So, now, thanks to the mattress topper, the pillow-top and our semi-high bed frame, I now have to heft myself in our bed. I am five foot and six inches tall! I’m not short by any means. I have to practically get a running start! This has nothing to do with my weight, by the way, it is purely because the damn bed is like seven feet tall! Bird can no longer jump on our bed for I fear she will catch her head in the ceiling fan! Wouldn’t that be a mess! And, the end result after all this? We need a new fetching mattress. Jesus. I told you so. And, in case you did not hear me, I TOLD YOU SO.