I Vant to Suck Your Blood

Actually, I don’t really want anything to do with your blood. Unless, I'm dying and I need a transfusion or something, then we’ll talk. Alas, the inevitable has occurred. I have joined the vampire-loving band wagon. I heart True Blood! I’m just sorry that’s it’s taken me two years to get involved in this shit. It is some good shit, yo.

Bread and I have religiously been watching episode after episode. He likes it too. Personally, I think he likes the plethora of boobs. I mean, there are lots of boobs! I’ve yet to see any penis and we’re at end of season one. WTF? How is this fair? Boobs are all over the place! I understand it’s the privilege of HBO to show all the nudity and use all the profanity their little hearts can handle, but, seriously, how about some male frontal nudity for the ladies? It’s like every semi-decent looking female character is ripping her top off for every occasion? I can cook topless! Look! No hands while riding a rollercoaster- with no shirt!

I joke. I joke. I’m not there for the boobs (obviously) or for the hope of seeing some random dude’s package. But, I will say, thanks to our giant television screen which is easily visible from our street, our nosy neighbors probably think we’ve been watching a lot of porn these days. I know nothing about being a nosy neighbor and making false assumptions…

Honestly, I have no idea why we watch this program. The acting is terrible. I suppose it’s just nice to have a non-reality program to watch together. Bread despises reality programming because it’s so unrealistic (just realizing the irony in that he hates reality programs yet will watch a vampire show). Yes, reality TV is fake, but that is the glory of it. That shit makes me feel normal. It makes me think I am sane! I’m not, but it’s all about in comparison to others, you know? Let’s talk about the crazy that is The Bachelor. I met a nice boy in a normal way and married him. These men have twenty five scantily clad (I am so elderly) women fighting over them. All these women are pulling out the claws to win the affections of some cheesy guy who probably isn’t as rich or well-mannered as the show’s producers are asking him to be. The thing that boggles my mind about this show is that the women are mostly seemingly intelligent and good looking. Why is it that they’ve lowered themselves to this? WTF? The guy is not taken in a world of full of single women begging for the affections of some great guy. News flash: He’s either not as cute/great/smart as you think, or he, and we’re back to this again, has a tiny peter. Move on.

What about The Real World? How unreal is that? A network television station hand selects some beautiful people to live and work together in the “real world.” WTF? No! You don’t get to have some cool job and live in a fabulous apartment while somebody else pays the bills. It’s not effing real! No! Nothing about this situation is real! In the real, real world, people don’t get to leave their jobs for months at a time to go on TV and binge drink and bang the hell out of their roommates. Have some class! I always think how do these people do this? Don’t they know their grandmas are watching, having no idea what the show is and telling all their friends to watch too because their grandson or granddaughter is on TV. Hey, granny, look at me! I can facilitate a gang bang! Oh, how proud she must be!

What about all these Real Housewives’ shows? Let’s discuss! I know quite a few actual housewives, I mean, I am one myself. I am not shopping every day. If I do go shopping, it’s for food and toiletries, not Luis Vuitton. I do not have a nanny. There is no hunky personal trainer coming to my door. I’m not rolling up in a Range Rover or a Mercedes. I’ve never been in a screaming match with someone in a public place. If I get to “do lunch” it’s at McDonalds or some hole-in-the-wall. I do not apply an entire face of makeup each morning. I make Crock Pot meals! I help my child use the restroom! I do not get weekly massages/facials/Botox/Liposuction. Although, I believe this is an injustice, who do I talk to about that? Point being, I am a real housewife. WTF? Nobody wants to follow me around? Nobody wants to watch a show about my life? I do very exciting things! I walk my dogs and scowl at people who fail to stop BEFORE the stop sign! We play Barbies! I pretend to listen to my husband talk about politics! I reassure my husband that I am listening when he talks about politics! I do laundry! I Swiffer like a mad woman! I talk to myself! I get the mail! I can rock a pair of Yoga pants-ALL day long! Admittedly, I’m sad that nobody wants to follow me around with a camera and film my REAL life! I mean this is the stuff people need to see! I am exciting! Somebody needs to represent the real, real housewives. I’ll take my crazy there! If you’re in the biz, call me! Have your people call my people!