The Events of Friday, May 14th, As They Unraveled

Fridays are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week. Why is this you ask? Because, my friends, I have discovered the bounty that is garage sales! I’m a snob but I’ll buy somebody else’s shit for the right price. I’m so not above that. Here is why- thus far, in my brief stint as a parent, I’ve discovered that everything we buy for Bird, that we are absolutely certain she will love, she does not. We spent a day and $80 on the damn sandbox and she hardly plays with it. She loves the $3 set of Disney Princess keys from Target, though. So, I’ve determined, based on the length of time the child will actually play with something, and the fact that you can find anything you want at a garage sale, I’m not buying anything new that can be Lysol wiped clean. Plus, she’s two yearsold, she has no idea and does not care if something is new. We’ll buy her new stuff when she’s older.

I became a garage saler by accident. I used to always run errands on Fridays. I happened by a few sales while I was out and about. I made some good scores: a tricycle, an outdoor playhouse and slide, a picnic table and some of those handy-dandy clamp-on roller skates. It’s easy to find new or like-new items for a miniscule portion of the regular in-store price. Also, since kid’s items are brightly colored, it’s easy to just do a drive-by and see if there’s anything that sparks your interest. It’s a pain in the ass to lug your tot in and out of the car just to go look at some old lady’s crusty supply of knick knacks (no offense if you’re an old lady with a crusty supply of knick knacks). I’ve also discovered that everybody wants the kid stuff so you have to come early. Waiting until Saturday is a bad idea if you want to really score. If you would have told me five years ago that I’d be writing on the internet about how to score fantastic garage sale items, I would have called you a liar…

So, now that we’ve got the background story all lined up, we can move on. Today, we headed out early. I don’t do this all day, people. I just take an hour or two and cruise around the neighborhood. We found a block sale today. Those are the best. We scored. I’ve been looking for a dollhouse for Bird. I didn’t really want to go the Little People route because I think she’ll grow out of it quickly. Anyway, low and behold, gleaming from one lady’s front lawn, was the mother of all garage sale finds-a Barbie Dreamhouse! Bird did not even know she wanted one; I knew she wanted one, though. You see, I wanted one for about ten years. I was obsessed with Barbie! I honestly think it’s the only toy I ever played with. I had millions of them. I still do because I saved them for my daughter! Anyway, for about ten years, the number one thing on my list was a Barbie Dreamhouse. Santa’s fat ass never delivered and I have a running joke with my mom that I’m scarred for life because of this. Coincidentally, today is my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Mother! I’ll be making all of your grandchild’s dreams come true now…

The Dreamhouse met all the appropriate garage sale criteria-plastic so as it can be wiped (I am a germaphobe), in good shape, and cheap ($15). We took her home with us! I was so excited! I called my mom twice! I am crazy! It also came with a bunch of plastic furniture. We got everything all wiped up. Bird was truly ecstatic because she has a couple Barbie Dolls and some Disney Princess Dolls who were in desperate need of a home.

It’s a beautiful day today and we should have been outside but she was just so thrilled. I planned on having her skip her nap. The plan was that we would play for a bit indoors, take the dogs for a walk for rest period and then get groceries.

She was happily playing with her house while I was firing off pictures of her new toy to my mom, her Auntie and Bread at work. I am so that mom who is living through her child. That took all of maybe four minutes. She says to me, “I pooped my pants.” I thought there’s no way. When Bird poops, it’s a production. She’s been going on the toilet for months now, even before she was officially potty trained because she runs back and forth and becomes frantic when she has to go. It’s easy enough to figure out so I always can get her to the toilet. Well, not today. I swear to you, she did not move from in front of that dollhouse. She was so excited about her new toy that she shit herself! It wasn’t just a little skid either, we’re talking massive poop here (sorry if you’re eating or something while reading this). It’s my own fault. I should have known she had to go because I kind of felt like I did and we’re on the same schedule. I’ve heard of women who live together having the same monthly cycle but this other thing is complete nonsense. WTF?

I quickly assess the situation. Is there leakage? She had Capri pants on so this had potential to be messy. Thankfully, when I selected her panties this morning, I chose a pair of the training pants and not the light-weight fancy princess ones. The training pants have a lot more staying power. I remained calm. If you’re not a parent yet, you can’t appreciate the need to REMAIN CALM in a situation like this. Freaking out will only leave you with poop smeared all over your home.

We made it to the bathroom where I had to determine the best method for removing the shit-saturated pants. There was no button on her pants so I was forced to slide them off. I thought about putting her directly into the bathtub but feared she wasn’t done yet so instead opted for the toilet. There was crap all over. She kept saying,”Oh, no, there’s poop all over. Why’d you do that?” Those were my sentiments exactly. I have a plan for everything. An agenda, if you will, for each and every day. So much so that Bird now wants an itinerary. I’ll tell her we are going to go to the store. She will always ask what next and what next until we get to the part where she goes to bed. Needless to say, cleaning poop off my toddler, the toilet and then the bathtub was so not on today’s schedule.

I managed to remain calm through the entire incident. We got everything cleaned up and Bird got a bath. The last item to deal with was the shitty panties. You know what I did? I threw those bastards away! I figure I saved us about $150 on Barbie supplies that we didn’t know we needed! I was entitled to throw those away! I’ll buy a new pair for $3! I earned it. I also earned my internet time. Girlfriend needed a nap. I mean, I can understand, taking a shit like that is likely to tire you out. And, if you’d have told me, five years ago that I would be writing on the internet about my toddler, her shit and even mine, I would have told YOU that YOU were full of shit. But, here we are…Happy Friday, Bitches!