Since we moved into our house, five plus years ago, we’ve had a bit of a bird problem. They love to build nests in the vents on our roof. Bread can fix anything; he’s a super-handy dude. However, our roof is very steep so therefore, he is not going up there. We have intended to hire someone to fix the vents so the birds will be forced to live elsewhere but, well, we just never get around to it.
So, because of this problem, occasionally, we get birds in our house. They fall in and end up in the basement. This happened just last week. They enter through the hole in the wall that was brought to us by our dog when she was a puppy. I suppose it might be a good idea to fix said hole, but, I guess we don’t excel at repairing holes in our home. I’m totally giving all my readers the idea that I live in a pit…
Anyway, I knew there had to be a bird; there was debris on the floor. I brought my dogs with me. I don’t know why I thought they were going to help. Olive, the female and younger of the two (also the creator of the hole in the wall) is, put simply, dumb. She means well; she’s really sweet but she does not excel in the brain department. She wanted to play with the bird. She once caught a squirrel, spit it out and looked at it like, “Okay, now YOU chase me.” The other dog, Cole, the male, is 10 years old and cares only about eating, licking, the occasional walk (if he does not think it’s too hot out) and playing ball or Frisbee. Cole by far surpasses Olive in the brains department. I could probably direct him to go upstairs and select a matching outfit for Bird to wear.
Despite the debris, I thought the bird would be scared of me, with my two ferocious animals, and hide somewhere while I quickly threw in a load of laundry (critter removal is strictly handled by Bread around here-that’s a man’s job-it’s 1955 here-at least when it works in my favor). I was wrong about the bird. The little asshole tried to attack me! Flew at my head! I ran, screaming, from the basement with Cole at my heels. He looked at me like, “I’m over this shit. You don’t give me enough treats to deal with this.” He’s smart. Olive, on the other hand, stayed down stairs, doing God knows what. She finally gave in to my screaming for her and came upstairs. Needless to say, the basement was “shut down” until Bread came home from work.
That brings us to Sunday morning. I open my eyes. I realize it’s early because it’s still dark in our room. I look at the clock 5:58. Oh, hell no. Then I hear it. Peep. Peep. Peep. Peeppeeppeeppeeppeeppeep. Those fuckers have built a nest on our window sill, underneath our room air conditioner, again (they also did this last year). Apparently, they like to rise early. We do not. This is our house. If you want to reside with us, you must play by our rules. What terrible hosts we are! Bread gets out of bed, opens the window, and sticks himself half way out, pounds on the air conditioner and shouts, “Shut up you little bastards. It’s too early for this shit. Shut up! You’ll be sorry!” Keep in mind this is all while he is wearing ONLY his boxer shorts. Bread is a tall, thin guy. Those birds were definitely scared of Skeletor and his threats. I could tell. He gets back in bed with a sigh.
Me: “Thank you. Now let’s go back to sleep.”
Bread: “You do realize that they’re only going to be quiet for a few minutes.”
Birds: “Peep. Peep. Peeppeeppeeppeeppeeppeeppeep.”
Both of us: Hysterical laughter.
Bread: “Those bastards are being evicted today.”
Me: “No! There are babies. They won’t live! At least wait until they can fly.”
Bread: “You do realize they are dropping mass amounts of bird shit into our windowsill.”
Me: “Get rid of those sick, filthy animals.”
Bread: “That’s what I thought.”
This morning I woke up to complete silence. I felt bad. I still feel bad. I keep thinking about what we could have done differently. Maybe I should have posted a sign. Attention Birds: No Nest Building. Thank You, Management. We should have given them a warning or at least a notice. People get notices before they’re evicted, right? Those poor animals. I am going straight to hell.
I gave them several notices. That was not the first time I told them to shut up, nor the first time I pounded on the A/C unit, nor the first time I leaned out the window, half-nude and yelling into the open air like a lunatic. They were very very warned.
ReplyDeleteWill Bread offer his services to others (exterminating critters I mean)? I have these damn squirrels (who I used to adore and watch lovingly out my kitchen window) that eat off my strawberry plant. I hate them and want them gone!!!
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