Lions, Tigers and Bears!

Something about the days following a long-weekend renders me completely useless. I have no ambition and no energy to do anything. This past Memorial Day weekend, is no exception to this. I am done. Bird took a four hour nap today and I did nothing but read and nap for three of those hours. I did the bare minimum of cleaning and laundry for one hour but that was it. It’s a good thing one of us GOT UP AND WENT TO WORK!

Holiday weekends, or pretty much any event, are completely different with a kid. For example, a simple trip to the zoo equals three hours of preparation. You have to pack a cooler. You need sunglasses, hats, sunscreen, extra clothes in case the child shits her pants (we were pretty safe on this front since she did, indeed, shit her pants prior to our departure but you can never be sure). You need beverages. You’ll want your camera. You may need Neosporin. You definitely want to bring the anti-bacterial lotion. Don’t forget wipes. A good variety of snacks is a necessity. You never know what your over-tired, over-sunned Little-Shit will want to eat. This could be crucial to the level of fun you’ll have at said excursion. Don’t forget the EpiPen and remember what bag it’s in because God forbid she be exposed to a fucking peanut and ruin the whole day by having her body swell. Oh, and we can’t leave the EpiPen in the sun. It can’t get warmer than 86 degrees or it will no longer work. That would be really, really bad. What about the stroller? Or, should we bring the wagon? Do we need a picnic blanket? Should we bring paper plates and cutlery? Is there a need for band-aids? Do we have books for the car ride there? Is it supposed to rain? Do we have a poncho? Who owns a fucking poncho?

The list is endless. It goes on and on and on. Then, once you arrive at said destination, it’s imperative that you find the restroom. Once that is done and the child (or children--how do you people do this?) has to get strapped back into their stroller, which they won’t want to ride in, but damn it, we came to see some animals and if you don’t get into the stroller we are never going to have time to see any animals so get in the stroller before I hit you with it! Ahem.

And, let’s not forget the part where we brought along my brother and his girlfriend, both of whom are legends to Bird. These two have no kids but love to hang out with our tot. We like them, so, of course, we’re glad they want to come along. Anyhow, they have no kids and probably are not prepared for all that having kids entails: the whining, the fits, the need to be forced to use the restroom every time we pass one, the scheduled meal times and the need for independence. They showed up with water and chips. We showed up with enough to feed an army and then some. A round of juice boxes for everyone!

Did I mention we went to the zoo? Ah, yes, the zoo. We went to the zoo. It was only supposed to be 82 degrees. Yes, but here in the Mid-west, we have this thing called humidity. That makes it feel really hot. So a pleasant 82 degree day becomes hotter than two mice humping in a wool sock. That’s the kind of day we had. A round of swamp crotch for everyone!

We paid $5 to feed the giraffes. This entailed getting to the giraffe exhibit at precisely 1 PM, waiting in line with a bunch of people who also shelled out for this “experience,” receiving a lecture by someone official, who was overly excited about the giraffes about not actually touching the giraffes or making any noise and spending exactly 27 seconds feeding said giraffe. You are welcome for that. I don’t think $5 is a lot of money. I just thought it would be different. I’m not sure what I was envisioning, me, Bird and the giraffes frolicking in the meadow with happy music playing in the background?

Overall, Bird had an exceptional time which is why we spent 14 hours packing and preparing for this adventure. If you ask her, she will tell you all of the animals we saw and she can also list random facts about them. For example, she is now proudly informed that giraffe can’t bite you because their teeth are really far in the back. She’s so smart. A round of tears for everyone!