Bring On the Polyester Slacks

I feel old. I’m stuttering and stammering in social situations because I have nothing to talk about besides my tot. Most people, surprisingly, do not really want to hear about this all day.  I always swore I would never be that person who could only talk about her kids. I read magazines and try to keep myself otherwise engaged to purposely avoid becoming like this. I fear I am one lame-ass person these days.

I need to liven up a bit. I’ve been a bit down because I feel like a stuffed pig. I feel ugly and unattractive and for some reason, for me, this equates to feeling old. I am only thirty-one years old! I’m hardly on my death bed!

Let’s talk about the reasons I am feeling elderly (I’ll do this in a list because we all know how much I love lists):

1. My bum knee. I haven’t even wanted to speak of this because it angers me so. I am trying to exercise like a mad-woman. For two weeks my knee has been bothering me! If I do nothing for a day or so, ice it and take ibuprofen, it starts to feel better. As soon as I resume my workout, the pain starts again. I’m frustrated and impatient! I need to get physical.

2. My gray hair. I hope I don’t need to elaborate on this one.

3. I’m suffering from the inability to keep my eyes open while reading. WTF? I love to read. I can’t actually read anything because my effing eyes are always closing! I am in a very strict book club. If I don’t actually start reading the books, I could be kicked out! This is one of my few monthly social obligations! I need this. Help!

4. One of my only social obligations is my book club.

5. I prefer staying home and making dinner to going out. It costs too much, the food is never great and I could probably make it better at home.

6. Someone called me ma’am the other day. Little fucker.

7. I have to wear my reading glasses to see the computer well.

8. I drink coffee at night to stay awake and it does not work! Shit, I am old. This is serious.

9. Crow’s feet. Also, little fuckers.

10. Recipes. I’ve begun sharing them with the World Wide Web. I’ve also started asking my friends to share their recipes with me.

11. I have no desire to go “clubbing.” I actually never really did. But, my extreme lack of interest in that is alarming me. Aren’t I supposed to have some sort of identity crisis and have a strong desire to wear skin tight black pants, tall shoes and a skimpy tank top? I don’t. Also, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for blinding anyone.

12. I need a lot of sleep. I function best when I get seven or eight hours per night. I also go to bed at almost the same time each night and rise at about the same time every morning. Lame.

I think that completes my list of elderlyisms. Thus far, in my life, I’ve been totally okay with aging. I did not freak out when I turned 30. I think, actually 31 was way worse. But, I’ve always said I would age gracefully and someday get a boob job…

I fully understand the alternative to aging. I do not want that! I just feel a little blah these days. I say this as I’m icing my bum knee and drinking coffee! I can’t imagine why I would feel old. Excuse me, I hear some whippersnappers making noise and my child is napping! I have to go yell at them! Bastards!