Who Are the People In My Neighborhood?

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I would like to say that I’ve really gotten to know my neighbors, but that would be a lie. I don’t actually know them; I don’t make friends easily. I have, however, used my vivid imagination to concoct stories about them. This is based solely on my observations of their comings and goings, and well, a few other things that really confirm the fact that I am a nutter. We will get to that.

I feel the need to state that, I am a self-proclaimed crazy person; I believe I’ve mentioned this about a million times thus far. I know this, and, while trying to explain my weird compulsion to figure out my neighbors, I realize I am making myself out to be even crazier. It’s fine. I’m okay with this. Someone has to be on Team Crazy. It might as well be me.

Like I mentioned before, becoming a SAHM opened my eyes to what my neighbors are doing all day. This is because, for various reasons, like the fact that my child takes about an hour and a half to eat every meal, I’m home a lot. We play in the backyard. We take walks. I stand in my front window and stare out; I mean, I notice things.

Based on my intensive research, I believe we have some hoarders on our street. I’ve seen the show on A&E, so, therefore, I am an expert in this field. These neighbors never have much trash. They only ever have lights on in one room. They never have guests. Nobody but Mr. And Mrs. Alleged Hoarder ever goes in. This is a logical deduction, right?

But, wait, there’s more! These people have a plumber at their house at least once every other week. They must have him on retainer. He comes at all hours! He snakes! From the front yard! Always, always, always they meet him in the driveway. I mean, I don’t suppose you have to invite the plumber into your home for a chat but, why? Why can’t he just come to the door? Because nobody ever goes in that’s why.

So, the plumber comes and takes care of business and is usually on his way. This occurred the other day while Bird and I were out creating a chalk masterpiece in the driveway. I couldn’t help but overhear the plumber tell Mr. Alleged Hoarder, “One of these times this isn’t going to work.” What in the hell are these people doing over there?! What are they flushing? I saw one episode of Hoarders where a woman had her water shut-off so she started going to the bathroom in adult diapers and piling them in the bathroom. The bathroom was FILLED with used adult diapers! What are my neighbors flushing, that leads to a plumber having to come so frequently? I am worried. This is traumatic.

I can’t pretend like the fact that I seem to “know” so much about people I’ve barely ever even said hello to is a normal thing. I get that. I’m not nosy. I just see things happening. Bread got out his binoculars for me. I don’t need binoculars. I can see just fine; they aren’t that far away. What I really need is this! Then all my questions would be answered! I could take my research to the next level!

Bread tries to act all innocent. He tries to pretend like he isn’t fascinated by the phenomena happening on our street. He calls. If I’m out, he’s home and something is happening he’ll call with updates. He acts all nonchalant. I’m not buying it! He wants to know! He has an inquiring mind! He is not fooling me! No, no, I will not fall for his act!

Mr. A. Hoarder wears pajamas all the time. He changes as soon as he gets home from work. I understand. I “work from home” so I spend quality time with my elastic-wear. The thing about him is, whenever he’s out in his yard he is wearing men’s plaid flannel pajama pants with his t-shirt tucked in. This is noticeable, especially since the pants rest a little too high, if you know what I mean. I’ve seen people nearly crash their cars when driving by. I once heard another neighbor yell to him, “Hey, I’m like you-wearing my PJs outside!” If you’re going to cause this sort of a plumbing spectacle perhaps you should rethink your wardrobe. Maybe something a bit more muted.

Obviously, I have no clue what is really happening over there. Perhaps they just eat a lot of fiber. I hope that’s all it is. Also, I have been a little hesitant to write on the internet about people who know where I live. What if I become famous when Oprah calls to talk about being a SAHM and they find me? What if they egg my house? What if they chase me to try and scare me? What if they curse my septic? I have to protect my family. Bread has reassured me that by the time Oprah finds me we’ll have moved out of our house. I made him promise or else I wouldn’t post this. In the meantime, I’ll be paying for my Whisper 2000 in three easy payments plus shipping and getting out my camouflage.