I’m looking at the Woman in the Mirror. I’m asking Her to Change Her Ways.

I have been a mom for nearly two and a half years. I still have not gotten used to this part of me. I feel like every day is an identity crisis. I never know what to do or what to wear. The old me was really into clothes, hair and makeup. The new me can’t always work that into her schedule, or, rather, does not always choose to. This is very difficult for me.

Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom was a tough decision for me in some ways. A lot of people passed a lot of judgment over me and my decision to return to work. Keep in mind that it was a financial decision based on the fact that, at the time, we could not live on only one salary. Part of me was very afraid of what would happen to me. I wondered if I would ever work again. I never envisioned myself staying home; I never even considered it as an option.

Those judgments have scarred me in some ways because I now feel as though I am constantly being judged. I’m sure this was always the case but, for me, being judged as a mother was worse than anything; I was only doing what was best for my baby and my family. I did what had to be done, plain and simple.

There were parts of my decision to become a stay-at-home mom that were simple. I hated my job. My boss was not that nice to me and I had an hour-long commute each way. I hated constantly feeling like I was being pulled in different directions and, most importantly, I missed Bird. So we were able to change a few things around and, voila, I became unemployed. Or, I suppose, otherwise employed.

That brings me to today, a little over a year and a half later, and I’m still having an identity crisis. I used to get dressed up for work. I would wear cute shoes. I wore makeup and tried to do something with my hair every day. Since I worked in an office, as a public relations person, I wanted to look presentable because I would see people and I didn’t want them to think I was a bum.

Now, my number one priority is obviously Bird. Then it’s “keeping a clean house” and taking care of our dogs. I have the intention, almost daily, to workout. Sometimes I get up when Bread does, at about six in the morning. Other days, I plan to do it during naptime or at night. Somehow, this workout messes with my entire day. If I haven’t yet exercised, I never see the point in dressing in “regular” clothes. I end up dressing for my workout. This is almost always a bad move. Because, that will be the day that Bird doesn’t nap and I don’t get my workout. Then, I end up feeling like a bum all day wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie.

I guess that is where my identity crisis comes into play. The old me was put together. I would like to think that the new me is too but, truthfully, I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t like to leave the house wearing my workout ensemble. Usually, if we are going somewhere, I will change. But, if I haven’t showered yet, my hair isn’t done and I’m not wearing makeup, generally, I don’t feel that good about myself. I want to be the put-together mom with the cute shoes, trendy jeans, stylish hair and minimal makeup. Not the sloppy, hair in a messy ponytail, gym-shoes-wearing freak that I’ve turned into, because I know that people are judging me. Let’s be honest here, we all do it. We may not do it on purpose but you always judge a person by the way they look. You make assumptions. I think it’s fair to say that.

Obviously, how I look each day is a choice. If I would choose to get up earlier, I could shower and be ready for the day and end up looking like the mom I want to be (maybe). I’m working on this. It’s hard. I require at least seven hours of sleep a night to function properly. It’s hard to get to bed before midnight because that is when I get to see Bread. Old habits are hard to break.

I look at myself in the mirror and I think I don’t love what I see. I wonder what other people think. When I look in the mirror, I don’t think I see what is actually there -in some ways that are good and in some ways that are not so good. I think, sometimes, that I have scared that old part of me away; the part that knew what to wear and looked good in it. I feel so confused by fashion these days (great, now I sound ancient). I don’t really get what is in. Why doesn’t someone create a line of clothing for moms? I do NOT mean mom jeans! I mean, who wants to roll around on the floor wearing designer clothing? Ha! If you’re living on one income do you even have money for designer clothing? I don’t want to be “just a mom.” I want to be me. In some ways, I resent that part of motherhood that took me away. Probably a lot of people are judging me for saying that. It is difficult to let one aspect of yourself define everything that is you. I love being a mom but, then again, that’s not all that I am. I need to get it together, because I want my daughter to know the old me, the real me. I want to be someone she can look up to. That is, if it’s possible to look up to a crazy, yoga pants wearing, baking nutter with a penchant for magazines and lip gloss. I suppose most things in life are a work in progress. I’m working on it. So tell me, what do you moms out there do? What’s your routine? How do you stay sane (or try to)?