Oh Yes. She Did.

For a while, taking Bird shopping was not fun. I had to wonder if she was really my child. I love to shop. I especially love a sale. I am a sucker for a good deal which somewhat explains my obsession with Costco. Anyway, we’re talking fits, hitting, yelling and refusing to ride in the cart. Downright utter embarrassment. At some point, I stopped leaving the house with her making me feel like even more of a recluse than I already am.

Then I discovered fruit snacks. Yes, I bribe my child with food. Call social services. Do you need the number? She likes fruit snacks. I like to shop with a child who isn’t screaming and causing a scene; making me sweat like a you-know-what in church. Bingo. Score one for mom.

Last week, I took my little angel and a supply of fruit snacks to the grocery store. I had a list. We shouldn’t be inside for more than 30 minutes. I had promised her one of those carts with the car on the front. Those bitches are really hard to get and inconvenient to push. It’s like you have to get there early just to get a good cart. Low and behold they were all out that day. I thought things would be bad at that point as she was already asking for the cart. But, she surprised me by understanding they were out and agreeing to ride in the normal cart without causing a scene. Yes! This is good. We will have a pleasant trip.

Wrong. I believe it was all downhill from there. She was screaming for the fruit snacks before I even offered them (she catches on quick) and trying to stand up in the cart. Great. I’ll just hurry and get what we need.

She finally calms down enough that I can give her the fruit snacks without it seeming like I’m giving in to what she wants. She is good for a few minutes so I give them to her in order to buy some extra time. I head to the spice isle. I’m standing on the right searching for some Cumin and the elderly lady who was looking at the left side of the spice section walks in front of me and then proceeds to stand directly in front of me thus blocking my view. Now, another reason I don’t love people is because 90 percent of them are oblivious to the world around them; perfect example with Elderly Spice. But, I don’t say anything. I just wait patiently for her to finish looking or to acknowledge that she’s standing in my way (not fucking likely).

Then, I hear Bird saying, “No! No! No! You get out of here! You go away! Go away! No! No! No!” Oh, my God, instant mortification. I quickly look away and pretend I don’t hear her. She does not stop. I think 20 seconds have passed. I hope she stops. The lady looks up and realizes that Bird is indeed talking to her. I don’t even know what to say.

The lady’s eyes are bugging out of her head (so not a good look for her), so I make Bird apologize. I’m sweating again. And upset. That was so traumatic. What am I doing wrong as a parent that makes my child do that? What did I do? I can’t leave the house with her again. This is by far the worst thing she’s done. Way worse than the time she threw herself on the floor at the library…

I text Bread at work to tell him his child is evil. He calls me 20 minutes later on his lunch because he is kind and loving and he knows I’m having a day. How do I repay him? I yell. I scream. I tell him it’s not worth it for us to be broke and I might as well have a job because I’m not teaching her anything and why did she do this? And? And? And? Because I have the crazy this is what I do.

We hang up. I feed Demon Child lunch and she takes a nap. She was tired. That’s why she did that. Right? I console myself with some cookies and half a pint of ice cream. I feel better. I think about it. I mean, Elderly Spice was standing in front of us. This was rude. She didn’t acknowledge her rudeness and was very eager to acknowledge how rude my child was being. I don’t condone that behavior but my two-year-old had a point. She called her out. She was sticking up for her mom. Back off, bitch, you’ve been told. A little part, a very little part of me, is proud because I never say anything to anyone. I am mostly a doormat when it comes to that sort of thing. I mean, it’s just, people carry guns and nowadays you just don’t know. So normally, I say nothing and then I come home and talk about you on the internet! How’s that for rude? You can stick my Cumin up your…