This Post Does Not Vibrate.

As you know, I put on a few pounds over the winter. I also have been in desperate need of new running shoes. Because, along with everything else, I believe my feet got fatter. So when my mom called and said she had a 30 percent coupon for Kohls, I was in.

We decided to make this a Monday afternoon activity. This is after my mom has been awake since 4 AM and I’ve been alone with Bird all day. Bird skipped her nap so we could meet at 4 o’clock.

If you have ever tried to shop with a toddler, you know this was not an ideal situation. If you’ve never shopped with a toddler, try it. I guarantee you’ll have a whole new lease on life afterwards. Borrow one from a friend if you don’t have your own. Heck, borrow mine.

Anyway, in preparation for this big event, I packed all kinds of goodies. We had: water for her, a new Barbie that we have been saving for such an occasion since Christmas, snacks, sun glasses and a book. This is in addition to all the other things I have to bring as a mom: diapers, wipes, the changing pad, an EpiPen, because you never know where nuts might be hiding, and then all my crap, which, since I am no longer fashionable and no longer feel the need to reapply my lip gloss, is decidedly less than BC (Before Child). I dressed her in layers because she likes to remove her clothing as we shop. I allowed her to wear her rain boots since she also feels the need to remove her shoes while shopping and the boots are easy. We were ready. If shopping with a tot was an Olympic sport we would have taken gold. I was also armed with the new tactic we’ve been using: telling her whatever it is we have that she wants is only for adults. It works. You should try it.

Of course when you go to Kohls, and you have a 30 percent coupon, you don’t just look at what you came in for. You have to look at everything. Because that is a significant discount on things that are marked up to make you feel like you are saving a ton.

Shoes were our second to last stop. It’s now 5:45. I have no idea how we’ve been in this store for nearly two hours. I have no idea how we were able to get Bird to behave for that long. It always takes me forever to find shoes. I have to try them all on. Walk around. Try to jump a little bit. Today I tried actual jumping jacks. Yes, that was me. I saw you looking at my boobs…

I measured my foot with one of those handy dandy foot measurers (technical term). I pushed it aside while I tried on the 14 pairs of shoes I selected. I jumped. I bounced. I jogged. Intermittently, Bird kept asking for the handy dandy foot measurer. My mom was helpful, distracting her by telling her it was yucky and had germs. Bird decided to try a new tactic: repeating her request over and over. “I want that. I want that. I want that. I want that. I want that. I want that.” Until, exasperated, I was no longer able to block it out and I shouted, for all Kohls’ patrons to hear, “No, Bird you can’t have that it’s an adult toy!”